The House of [Q]

for auld lang syne

2011-12-31T18:18:00.003+08:00

as the last day of 2011 fast gives way to the night, i can't help but to feel a little sad. sad that another day has just gone by. sad that another year has just gone by. sad that i can't seem to be in a position that is more comfortable than the previous year. but can i complain? perhaps not. i'll just take this moment to do a little flashback on what happened over the year. some may not be interesting, but is pivotal in making me who i am this time.

firstly, i lost my job. well, probably 'lost' is the wrong term, but 2011 is the year that i gave up on my job and took a giant leap of faith. i went back to my studies. i would say that it was opportune, as things were starting to go downhill. the changes and its momentum in my workplace wasn't favourable to me anymore. on the other hand, efforts to continue my studies also fell into place. it was timely that i was offered a fellowship, and i was also offered the opportunity to learn from one of the best supervisors around. lastly, i was lucky that there are still many people out that that will take care of me, even when i am out of office. i know you may not read this, but here is my heartfelt appreciation to dr leong, prof chan, dato' anwar, rashidah, dr liew and salma.

you win some, you lose some. with the change of direction, 2011 also marks my deep involvement in activism in various organizations. i was offered the position of council member of PHT. my involvement with FRIENDS also increased, and the efforts will continue into the next year. hopefully, i will be able to do more to contribute to these societies. on another front, i have also become actively involved in sexual rights of Malaysians. while i may not be actively participating in their activities, nevertheless i did manage to voice out quite a lot in their online forum.

2011 also saw my fall from grace and innocence in life. i became more active on certain sites, and finally saw my emotions thrown into a rollercoaster, driven off control. in the end, i didn't lose much. probably only my faith in trying again.

2011's birthday was a disaster. it was the worst birthday of my life that i hope will never happen again. it's a birthday that didn't surprise me, but just ruined me so much. there were no birthday cakes. there were no presents. all there was were heartbreak and disappointment

2011 is the poorest year of my life. i have to learn how to conserve my resources so that i can make for the following year.

this year started with a visit to japan. in april, it was hanoi and halong bay. in july, it was bali. sadly, i didn't make it to sri lanka in october. if things were only better then.

the year also saw me become more and more awkward socially. i can't stand social occasions any better, and would like to retreat to my cave of peace and tranquillity.

i guess this is all that i would want to remember now. i need to go. but i certainly won't forget about 2011, and probably will just drink to it tonight.
cheers

happy 2012. and yes, 2011, i love you.

of candy canes and rochers

2011-12-25T01:35:00.002+08:00

after 26 years, you would at least think that you'll deserve a gift that is befitting. a gift that reminds you that you are appreciated, and you are important. but what i got is a gift of convenience and another, a gift of obligation. the irony in everything is that both of them aren't gonna last until next christmas, and will never survive to remind me of i would have. (probably i can't say bout the candy cane, cos i think i won't even bother eating it at the first place).

is this enough to justify my dislike for the season? for the merriment? for the 'much ado about nothing' syndrome? yes. i think so. it also forced me to break my self-imposed restriction against clubbing and alcohol, and also throws me a tonne of thoughts which shouldn't appear.

forsaken any, i have not. forsaken by others, oh yes, without a doubt. will i survive it? i only pray for better strength and energy to prevent me from breaking. but neither would i deny that i am on the verge of collapsing. i don't know where to source for energy anymore. where to find the strength to carry on, to show the world that i am ok.

masquerade theme. how befitting. i wore the best mask. a mask that shows no true emotions, but what i want others to believe. a mask so perfect that even i may be fooled sometimes. so now, where is my best costume prize? like i wilted flower, i will slowly fade. into oblivion, i will never shine again. my blossom has passed, my end is near. as the winter draws near, into the shadow lands, i will not fear.

for the heart beats not for the moment, but a survival of the mind. for the end draws by, not for a moment, but for the passing of time. for then, only will i rise, forsaken, forgiven, forgotten. only to bring truth to those who will hear, and open the hearts for those who will listen.

ciao
in case i won't blog again, happy blessed 2012.

surviving christmas 2011

2011-12-19T00:56:00.003+08:00

this post was supposed to be written last night.. but again, i was inspired, but couldn't pull myself off the bed to write it.

it's 6 days until christmas, and 5 days until that dreaded dinner. for once, i have never been so depressed during the season as compared to this year. last year was a wreck for me, and this year, things just got worst. i am dreading every single moment from the start of december, and i wonder how can i even survive until the 31st, and move on to the next year. everyday, a little part seems to die inside of me, making me wonder how many more posts would i survive to write and share.

anyway, it is now the morning of the 19th. significant? probably no more. probably yes, but i am trying my very best not to put anything to the heart. after all, i have other things to focus on. it's been more than a year, and looking back, it was just plain stupid. it has also been 8 months. wreck, yes. any better? no

life is full of mistakes. one of which is trust. i should have never placed trust on anyone. i should have remained true to my old self, to keep it in and never divulge. however, now, i feel betrayed. i feel lost, and i feel battered. and to make it worst, it's not even a war that i saw coming. are we even at war? disappointments, there are many, but does it have to end this way?

at times, i wish that i could be selfish. i should learn how to fend for myself, and not stand out and wait, and hope. i should learn to not hold the light out for anyone. for at the end, i am the very person that is left outside alone. cold.

this year's christmas is slightly different. as mentioned, i hated it when the first signs of christmas was displayed in stores and splashed over the papers, the tv, the radio and other media. i dread it. hence, no tree. it would have been better minus the dinner, and all the other fan fare, but then, a promise/agreement must be kept. however, there is this part of me that wishes that i would fall ill on christmas eve, so that i don't have to attend the dinner and the party.

somehow, i don't think i have the ability to maintain a social life and understanding anymore. crowds frighten me. people intimidate me. somehow, the thought of remaining home in seclusion is comforting. it may not be biggie, but i did nearly pass out from a panic attack while browsing through the mall. what happened, i can't tell. one thing i know, i am not made to live this life.

probably the greatest tip to survive this season is to acknowledge the season. yes. it is that damned christmas. and that damned coming new year. everyone is supposed to be happy. spreading goodwill and peace on earth. having accepted that, only can i develop my thoughts to embrace, deny, reject, embitter or to just mourn the season. i guess i am doing well here. wherein lies the christmas spirit, cheer and pure, undefiled? i have yet to learn. i have also yet to learn to forgive, to forget, and to free.

since i am on a roll, the year hasn't been entirely kind, but neither is it entirely unkind to me. there are certain achievements that i could be proud of. i took a change to rechart my path. but i guess that's all that i can remember. the rest would be memories that haunt me. inner sorrow and fear that torments my existence. and mostly, things that make me want to stop in my tracks, and not start all over.

tabula rasa. is it possible? can i cut everything to let go? how can i erase everything.

there's a notion in me that i may not have written before. i threw away my childhood. i sacrificed my teenage years. but now that i am an adult, i am not going to get back what i have missed, and neither am i getting what i should be getting now. c'est la vie? i have seen better. but what's good is never going to be mine. in fact, nothing is ever going to be mine.

probably i should really reset my targets, and reorient my focus for the coming year. i should allow myself to fall, but instead to focus everything that i have on what is important. my studies. love, i have done without since my existence. friends, i can learn to do without (i am already starting to stay away from most of it). family, it is not impossible. nothing should matter any more.

these silent tears, that never fall.. i humbly present as offering to misery. may the best be with you.

blessed christmas

tip 2 to survive christmas: start rejecting people even before christmas. if possible, a 6 months grace period would be good. that would get you all ready to face the season alone.

tip 3: find a new hobby. i am sure, 21 research papers would be enough to fill the season and distract most of my time.

tip 4: get a pet. they help. or plants

tip 5: conveniently store the christmas tree in somewhere hard to reach, so there are no attempts to retrieve it and set it up.

i hate giving. i have had enough of giving. i gave so much, but my returns are not justified. everything, i have given without complaints. even when it hurts me.. i gave. no more. no more will i do it this time.

happy xmas... the war is over

p.s. and yes, happy birthday. even when i don't wanna say it to you. you have having a good time, a good life.. a random speck of dust will never get noticed

bouquet

2011-10-09T01:34:00.002+08:00

this is totally random: i just saw some pictures of some people's graduation day, and i can't help but to feel bad. i feel bad that my bouquet sucked. it wasn't beautiful, it wasn't grand, and it wasn't even the flower that i liked... 3 years had pass since then, but still, i just didn't like my bouquet.

Something Good....

2011-09-29T01:47:00.002+08:00

This post caught me by surprised. in fact, the whole flow of emotion tonight caught me by surprise. i should be sleeping now, but instead, i am overwhelmed to a certain extend. let's see.. me, in my usual nightly FB nosy-ing, saw this video posted up by a friend. i clicked on it, and this dude was singing 'Something Good' from the Sound of Music. to be honest, it wasn't good. It was fantastic. his voice, his control, and his emotions.. and then, i was caught.

you see, Something Good is one of those pieces that's forever etched in a little brain cell of my mind. the scene, whereby Maria and Capt Von Trapp stand in the gardens. looking at each other (with that loving glow), and how they burst into the song. I have sang that song so many times. in the shower, in the car, at home. but mostly, i sing it when i am feeling sad. i sing it to remind me that probably somewhere in my wicked childhood, i must have done something good. i sing that, being hopeful, that something good would happen to me (of course, nothing good ever happens to me). one can't blame me for being hopeful, right.

that's when suddenly, i have this flood of emotions. i feel like bursting out to tears. thinking over each and every single line of the song.. i am reminded that my life is not that sweet after all. i have yet to get beyond my past, and move on to embrace the present and anticipate the future. i have yet to find the person that will love me, whether it should or could.. good things, i have done not little.. and yet, where is my something good.

Nothing comes from nothing. Nothing ever could. This was what i used to tell myself too.. NOTHING EVER COULD. then if nothing can happen, then why am i all bitter and sorrowful? and then, i come to think again.. when the singer sings 'for there you are, standing there, loving me', i can imagine.. what he sees and feel at the moment. to you and your loved one (which i know.. yes, i know). i wish you luck and all the best. and to you. you are damn lucky to have such an amazing person to dedicate such a beautiful song to you. again, i wish i could trade places with you.. but then, NOTHING EVER COULD.. haha. hence, i wish that you would treasure your keep, and wish you joy and happiness all the way.

ciao

fallen

2011-09-21T00:49:00.003+08:00

after the whole situation, i guess i have finally fallen. i am not strong enough anymore. i am not cruel enough, not mean enough, and certainly not young enough to face it anymore. it consumed a little too much of me, and it was partly my doing..

4 times

blank.

days and nights are getting longer and harder to bear..

suddenly, by chance, by luck? or pre-arranged? i finally see the truth, and the light. i can finally see the other half now. 7 months now... congrats

you

2011-09-18T02:17:00.003+08:00

you, of all people, decided to show up at this time. well, i respect human rights, but why must you be there. you could always be somewhere else, with somebody else. and yet, you showed up. right in front of me. and what does my keeper says?? go dance, and initiate conversation. you were not dancing, and you disappeared before i knew it. how would i to do the following? and futher still, i would regret it no matter what. so, let's just keep it at status quo... btw, i just have to say, you look really good tonight. ever as charming, ever as alluring, and yet, ever as far to reach as ever.
i was never born to reach your standards, i was never born to be on par with you. i was never born to be with you. then, why do you still appear to remind me of the things that i shouldn't exists for. i know, that i cease to exists, things would be so much better for so many. besides, you would never know nor care that whether i exists or not. i am never in your radar..
typing this tonight is really hard, as i am really drunk. i have doused myself crazy with the wine from the club, and add on those that i took from home, it is insane. well, i am longing for this sensation. at least, it takes me away from everything. let me lead a carry free life, whereby all worries and sorrow is gone, replaced by a half sober mind. at least, you are the last thing in my mind before i pass...

i should have seen what i was... the butt of jokes. i should have stayed by a sudden epiphany that i shouldn't go for gatherings involving more than 4 ppl. probably, that will keep me sane. i am not myself. i don't wanna be who i am today!! i wanna die.... i wanna let go of everything and move on. nothing is worth cherishing every moment. every moment is a burden for me... i just wanna pass on.. whereby things will be better, hopefully.

guess i will still become the wallflower that i ever will be. never seen. never known, i will forever be the one that is despised, that is overlooked, that is ignored, and that is shadow. no matter how much i climb into the limelight, i fall short of reaching the destination, for darkness finds it easier to stand in between me and whatever i want.

what's the point of looking good?? what's the point of dressing up? what's the point of putting the effort to look a little better, when all you end up is misery?? this world is only meant for certain people, and i certainly am not in the list. you look good, no matter what you put on and what you do. you are perfect, and i'd wish you that you would notice me. but no.... hahaha, silly dreams!! teenage dreams that shouldn't have happened
again, why YOU!! YOU, of all people, should be there. you!! you!! i don't know to love you or to hate you!! but you!! you are the cause of my misery tonight, and yet you will never know...YOU WILL NEVER KNOW..
these tears are for you. thank you, and you are most welcomed.. you, the one that will never know

D.I.V.A

2011-09-08T01:37:00.002+08:00

I saw the banner to my blog. it says D.I.V.A. that stands for divine, intimidating, vain and attractive. sadly, the present me is no longer any of those persona. i am no longer what i used to be, and i can't say that i am happy being who i am now.

fate has a funny way on working on people. hence, i believe in karma. i believe that for every action, there is a reaction. probably not in this lifetime. probably from another past. but there are some ppl that i owe.. and now they are back in my life, waiting for payment. i guess how many ppl more do i have to repay before i can move on. how many people more to shatter me, break me into pieces, and turn me to waste before i am done with.

everytime i sink into a bout of depression, i feel that i am one step closer to my end. but everytime i long for the end, it will never come. will i ever come to the end of my story, to finally put a stamp on these pages, and start a different book? i've been stuck on this chapter over and over again, and i couldn't move on. every year, it gets harder on me..

how do people know my name. how do people get to know me before even allowing me to know them? why do people know me, and expect me to be great? expect me to be fantastic? expect me to become something that i am not? why? how? i want a stop.

is it ever that hard to ask for something simple? something very basic like getting you to surprise me? pick me up for dinner or a movie? take me somewhere away? being able to pay for me, and make me feel pampered? i am not asking for the sun, the moon and the stars. and yet, i get nothing in return. maybe i should ask for the sun, the moon and the stars. only then, will i see where i belong.

death. insanity. vile. agony. this star is dying, and nothing can be done to restore it. its only last wish is that it can go out with a boom...

burnt in flames

2011-09-05T02:10:00.003+08:00

everyone has a special ability. i am not talking about the ability to fly, or to see through walls, but the ability to make changes, and makes a person stand out. i too, had one. i thought, at least, i had.
but now, i have come to realise that i also have the ability to fade out. to tune out, and to disappear into the background.
the feeling of having seated in the corner of a club, filled with people, and still not get noticed, not a single hi, not a single smile, amazing.
the feeling of clearing the jam-packed dance floor within minutes, amazing.
where do i go? where do i stand? what do i do? sometimes, i don't know..

i am not sure if i have blogged on karma before, but now, i have come to realise that one cannot beat karmic forces. although one may be able to reduce the karmic forces, make amends, and lighten it, certain forces will come back in time to haunt you. perhaps, my time is now. the karmic forces are returning, and i have no one to talk to.. no one to turn to. no shoulder to rest my weary head. no arm to wrap around me, to assure me that everything is going to be ok. the time is now..

over the past week, i placed some emphasis on setting the foundation right. but even the sturdiest foundation, may give way. as a bystander, i am not sure what to feel to see a bridge collapse and fall. but having seen how it has taken a toll on so many issues, probably it should be a closure. is it a berlin wall? or is it a commoner's bridge. only time will tell.

the look, the hair, the style, the skin, the face, the charm, the charisma, the wealth, the company, the surrounding.. how i wish i could trade place with you, and be you. but i know, it won't happen. i can never be you, and certainly not a part of you. i will never exist in your dictionary.. however, you are still able to draw out the deepest darkest feelings that i have sealed in my secret labyrinth. i must say, you are certainly amazing. if only we had a different set of fate..

although i have grown to love myself, there is also an opposite force of self-loathing that i can't help. i hate every aspect of myself. most importantly, i hate my physical appearance. it is the worst torture, and the worst suffering a man could handle. in this skin, i bleed the hardest. in this skin, i hurt the most. my only consolation, that i am the last of the line, and i will not allow this physical and mental suffering to continue in generations to come.

Giving up

2011-08-22T00:21:00.003+08:00

Love. I have never given up on love. despite the many sorrows that come with it, i still believe in the sanctity of love. i still believe in the powers that come with love. how it can change the course of history. how it can change a person's heart. what i have given up is to find love for myself. everytime i seek, i end up on the losing end. i end up losing faith. i end up losing myself, and all the people that surrounds me at that moment. if there is any doubt if i had lost the will to love, yes. but i still believe in love. i still believe in waiting for the right person to come. but i also believe that it may not happen to me in this lifetime. so, i shall learn to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and move on.

fairytale romances are for little kids. kids with bubbles built from reading these storybooks. falling asleep waiting for the right person to come. some kids never grow out of it. whereas, some are exposed to the dark side of romances. the side that bears envy, jealousy and resent. i guess i still harbour a little hope for romance to happen, but i have also seen the dark side, and i am trying not to let these things take over my life. dreams are easily shattered, and i should learn to wake up and stop dreaming

ciao

how do...

2011-08-15T00:27:00.003+08:00

how do you help to mend a broken heart? when you can't even mend your own.
how do you tell the truth? when everyday you are living a lie.
how do you live every waking moment? hoping that death comes knocking the next second.
how do you love another? when loving yourself is so hard.
how do you speak? how do you walk? how do you think? how do you act?
how do other hear? how do others see? how do others comprehend? how do others react?

it's amazing how we lead our lives. how we do things. how we even react to certain things. i know i have not been easy. but live hasn't been kind on me either. everytime i seek closure for something, life messes it up.
everytime i wanna open something, life messes it up too.
is this how Murphy's law supposed to work?
is this the pleasure gained from the powers that be?
to ruin me? to make me miserable? to make me suffer? to see me hurt?

at this junction, i wonder
do i close the door? do i seal my windows? do i freeze my palace?
or do i even continue to leave it open, letting the last bit of heat to warm?
do i continue to stare out, looking at summer love?
or do i place my heart out, waiting for the winter cold?

tears i have none, regrets i have a tonne
sometimes i see all, but at the same time, i see none
how strange, i wonder
as we go closer, we drift further apart.

ciao

MESS

2011-07-31T01:34:00.002+08:00

am trying to reopen a can of worms here, and see how much i can let loose. probably it will help me learn better, probably it'll remain just the same.

i've been a mess. a wonderful mess. it is exceptional that it could have been perfect. never have i, in my 26 years of existence, have to go to the emergency ward 3 times in a row. while the first one was just as a company, i nearly died during the second and third times. i do wonder, why do i keep on hurting so much. already, emotional and mental anguish is hard to bear daily, i have to couple it with physical pain? to the point that i had to be admitted to the hospital for 4 days for observation and treatment for tonsillitis. i do wonder when can all these predicament end. as i have expressed my desire for a tonsillectomy in the near future, let's hope that it will be a closure to all the pain and suffering that i've had.

seriously, from the first night we met, it seemed like i've offended the whole universe, and it is now out to get me. was it sheer coincidence? or is it a fragment of my imagination, i seriously don't know. things are going from bad to worse. will my death be the ultimate answer to your existance in my life? the flu, followed by the lymph nodes and tonsil inflammation, followed by the fall, the dehydration, the tonsillitis and fever, and possibly now, a skin allergy. why have i got to bear all the punishment while you enjoy the pleasure?

sometimes, i don't understand. why do you want to keep me in ur guard? is it because i am easy going, easily conned, easily pursuaded? or just to naive to give everything. from money, to time to effort. all just to satisfy what you need. even when i am lying nearly dead on the hospital bed, you had to get what you want. the reality is, i can't even support myself. how am i supposed to support another person. what kind of mess have i got myself into

everytime we talk, sms, or interact, it has always been about you. you. you. you and you only. it was never about me. and when i put me, i get sidelined, pushed away, and replaced by you. while i have never complained about this before, it did make me realise that it is not worth my while. then, how do i pull away. what is the difference between me and your friend? aren't we all bound by the hooks and webs that you laid when we first met? i don't know

there's going to be a new change in my life. i am now back as a student in the university, and hopefully will obtain my masters in 2 years, or possibly a direct doctorate in 5. am praying for the latter. well, i guess the transition time is also good for me to review my priorities in life. they should go as such: studies, gym, health and family. i will, once again, remove love from the whole equation as i don't want anymore distractions.

let's just be friends, ok?

people said that i've changed. especially when i am with you. probably i do. probably i am more tolerant, more silent, more bearable. but is it because i am the only person trying to make things work? probably i should stop all those lies and return to what i was previously.

enough for now, as i am getting really tired. antibiotics are no good for the system, and yet i have to take them like candies thanks to a simple mistake. tonsils. seriously, for the proponent of evolution: why is mankind so stupid to retain useless pieces of body for eventual removal?

why do we hurt? how do we stop the pain?

ciao
ben

crossroads

2011-05-21T01:35:00.002+08:00

again, i find myself confunded by hecate's schemes. i am standing at the crossroads again, wondering what to do. which path should i take, and which journey will be the best for me. i know for certain that all of them will eventually lead me to the realm of hades, but i certainly want to take the road that is least painful and least hurtful.

a month. apart from the first time, there is nothing left. probably lust works stongest when you first meet. it will eventually die off, leaving you nothing but a sad memory. although we've been out together so many times, i fail to notice my retaining power. i fail to see how am i going to maintain you. i know that money is certainly buying your love now, but where do we go when the money ends. am i, but just a fool??

i have to keep on being something that i am not, just to ensure that you will be happy. just to ensure that you will be with me. but is this worth it?? will i never get to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore? or will i never get to admire myself anymore?? i always wonder about the end of the day. well, i guess i should be wondering so much, consider the day has already ended when we meet.

learning to let go. probably i should do so when i still love you. they say, short term pain is much better than a prolonged pain. probably we should just break it off when the time is still favourable. but how do i bring myself to tell this to you? i don't wanna lose a friend. but i don't wanna lose my senses and my life.

hair. eyes. arms. body. leg. hair. torso

there is nothing that i can do now but humbly surrender myself to the will of the powers that be. i guess i am ready to take the challenge. i am, but a small piece of rook in this ever big game of chess..

ciao

i am not happy

2011-05-11T00:13:00.002+08:00

i think it is kinda rare to find me putting my emotions on my heading. but i guess now, why hide? yea. i am not happy. and i am not ashamed to admit it. i have never been truly happy, and things are certainly not looking any brighter now.

turning 26.. guess what, it was one of the lousiest birthday of my life. every year, it gets worst. perhaps i am expecting a little more. perhaps there shouldn't be a compromise. but things turned totally against me, despite the attempts of friends to make it work for me. i guess my desire for surprise did come true. just that it wasn't a very pleasant surprise. however, there is no one that i could blame, for it is only me wanting everything to be better.

i am not happy on my chances (or lack of) in getting one of the most coveted scholarships in malaysia. it was a risk that i dared for, but it has fallen out of my favour. probably i am expecting a little too much. again, it is just me, and my perceptions. however, i didn't give up, as i did go for another attempt somewhere else. heck, if m'sia doesn't want me, perhaps somewhere else would want me..

i am not happy with work. in fact, i haven't done much over the couple of days, as i prefer to idle my time on other matters such as the queen's coronation (which by the way, is the most spectacular thing that i have ever witnessed). i understand the lack of motivation as a sub-expression of my emotional control, but the working environment is not exactly conducive for me, nor motivating for me to strive further.

emotions. they tend to overwhelm me. again, i was brought to realise that i expect a little more, and the present situation is not as desired. hence, i am not happy. if only things could change. if only i don't have to waste that much time, energy and financial resources. probably i should just take a step back and revert to my original self, and atone for my sins.

i am not happy. i have sinned, and i don't know how to atone for it. i shouldn't have loved at the first place, and i shouldn't have harboured love. love, passion and desires are sins that are consuming me. bringing me closer to the flames of hell. if only i know of redemption.

ciao

my last day...

2011-05-02T01:55:00.002+08:00

ok, the title did come off a little dramatic. no worries, i am not ending my life. just reminiscing some of the happenings of my 25th year of existence. after that, am starting again at 26, and i do wonder what is in store for me...

25. the year of taking risks. one too many risks, and one too many mistakes. i never expected it to be that way, and all the hurt and pain was too great to bear. but i think i must move on. but then, i also do wonder, why isn't the powers that be allowing me to move on. i hate all those tricks that you are playing on me. i'm starting to take baby steps and you put a whole freaking stumbling block in front of me. are you trying to tell me that i am going into a pithole again? will i ever see the sunshine? or will i forever be trapped in this darkness..

gaga says: everyone is beautiful in their own way cos God makes no mistakes.
i say: Gaga is wrong. God's only mistake is me.. but no worries, his mistake will not last long.

purity is, but the past now, as i write. although i don't regret it, i will also not deny the conflict deep within. will i fail to walk the paths of the enlightened?

is a house really a home without love? denied in the song, i am starting to feel the same here. what are my options? how do i leave? will i be able to pack up, and just walk out of this place, leaving this misery forever? will i be able to support myself to walk away, and to never look back. i want tabula rasa. but is tabula rasa even available? can i severe all relations, all ties, all friends, and all family.. to start anew?

let's hope there are some new developments for my 26th year. like i've mentioned before, i only saw myself living up to 25. i don't even see anything between 26 to 30..or even beyond that.

lastly, i can't help but to feel as if i'm walking onto this huge wall. i gave my all. ditch my ego, dropped my defences, and lay down my weapons. and what do i get in return? walls and walls. probably by the end of the day, i wil end up rebuilding my freaking fort, with a shattered core. all over again. is it worth it? i don't know

[i see you both side by side on FB chat!! WTF!!]

happy jar (my first 26th birthday gift). but will i be happy?? haha. anyway, thanks for the thought. i do agree, it's not simple to buy things for me. but i wasn't expecting anything anyway. all i wanted was just good company. precious friends that will be there, one way or another, for me.

friends.

just friends.

(B)e (I)n (T)otal (C)ontrol of (H)im [saw this on a printed tee.. kinda cute, but i just don't dig printed tees]

argh!! i still freaking see you....

anyway, i guess that's all i have for tonight. may want to post something just before i turn 26.. probably, if the conditions permit

ciao

motions

2011-04-20T00:30:00.003+08:00

i guess i can never stop feeling the fatigue and the lethargy that life has bestowed upon me. everything seems to be changing so fast. the pace is so rapid that sometimes, i am left behind the chase. seriously. should i even be chasing the change? or just ignore it and remain status quo? sadly, life is not an island, where change can be resisted, or just drowned with the water. tell me how am i to cope..

a friend is finally gone. as my friends suggested, i guess i should acknowledge the feeling. yes, i did love. and i am happy that i did, for now, i carry this love with me knowing that this person is happier at the new place. it may be hard, but i have learnt to wish happiness and joy to this person, for that is the power of love.

but then again, what about myself. am i moving in the right direction? is it love of lust that is driving me? how much and how long can i go? is it even the right choice? or is it a choice of desperation? i can see that things are good, but am i even ready to make such changes in my life?

nevertheless, some things did have change. i guess i am happy that it all happened when i'm still 25, and 25 is certainly a wonderful year. but is it for real? it was certainly, and i did take the extreme chance. doing things beyond my norm. but am i going too fast? too far? to extreme? i don't know. what i do know is someone is proud of me that i am growing up. but am i certain that i've grown??

i don't believe in god. but at this point, i just need more strength from whoever and whatever, to help me move on with life. i admit that i am fragile, hence i need all the support that is available. will you support me?

ciao

the social butterfly

2011-04-03T02:10:00.003+08:00

the social butterfly, fluttering from one table to one table, exchanging greetings, sharing a toast, bursting with laughter and smiles... but deep down, there lies a bigger lie. the social butterfly is not happy. the social butterfly is nearing death. if only the social butterfly can pick itself up, and fly towards the flame, allowing it to be consumed, and reduced to ashes and dust.. if only it had.

sick. fatigue. lethargy. probably these words can best descibe me now, and in fact, most of the time. i am so sick of this thing called life, as it is leading me no where. where are the ups? and where are the downs? and how do we differentiate it? probably for an introvert like me, the up periods should be those when i am alone, reeling in my own energy. if that's the case, then why ain't i happy?

fatigue. my body is telling me that i should be wasting it that much. i should learn how to take care of it. but am i listening? do i want to listen? and can i afford to listen? everyone desires for some achievement in a certain period of time. milestones, they call it. it is now the 3rd of April. exactly a month until i turn 26. but what are my milestones, and have i achieve what i've set out to get? did i manage to change my life? nothing. instead, all i have is this whole sense of fatigue, making me wish that i can lie on the bed for a long long time without waking or moving. eternel sleep, how i wish it can come to me.

lethargy. my mind is fried. my emotions are burnt, and my strength is spent. i've tried stepping out of my comfort zone, taking the various chances. all i get are just rejections, one after another. probably it is time that i call it quits, and set forth to renounce what i've got. probably a solitary life, devoid of temptations and mundane influences, is what i need to attain inner peace.

ever so often, i have to be the caring one. the one, where his shoulders are ready to support the burdens of the world. the one, where i open the door, allow you in, pamper you, shower you with attention and love. the one that is everything but all that i set out to be. when will i ever get to lie on someone's shoulder, pouring my heart out to it? when will someone hold the door, or tell me that it'll be there waiting for me? when will the person be able to take me into its arms, without caring about my looks, my skin, my colour, my religion, and my wallet. there is still a part of me that hopes for that to happen, but as i have always thought, and maintain, good things do not happen to me.

waiting for the end to come.

if only there's someone who is willing to buy me a bottle of ice cold beer..

mirror mirror

2011-03-30T22:58:00.004+08:00

sometimes, i do like to sit back and wonder.. why am i doing all these. what is the worth of doing all these stuff, when all i get to be is just a wallflower. i mean, come on.. i spend money trying to look better, go for facials, i dress fine, i study hard... and yet, what do i get?? a lifetime of loneliness and despair? or a mockery of my life.

i understand the need to be comfortable in my own skin. but what if my skin is not what i desire?? my greatest weakness is very apparent, and i don't deny it. in fact, i have never liked the skin that i am in, and have tried so very hard to change it, mask it and all.. and yet, when it is down to the bare essentials, it is still my skin that matters.. when will we be able to rise above and see beyond the skin?

they say that smart women find it hard to have boyfriends. does it apply for men too? i am not sure, but given my conditions, i do feel like i'm stuck in the situation. a perfectly decent conversation goes un-noticed, ignored. so, is knowledge a boon or a bane?

a look in the mirror reveals the age, the weariness, the lethargy. am i able to sustain and move on with life? or shall i call it quits? if yes, how do i quit? show me a way...

ciao

[update 23:23hrs] again, i know that i have the ability to scare someone off forever.. haha. i guess this is the so called superpower huh. to the last good man on earth, stay strong and healthy..we love you!!

[update 00:30hrs] i will want to catch you when you fall, and you are certainly worthy of it. however, i know that there will be other angels lining up nearby, spreading their wings to protect you. i shall take leave with my mortal frame, wishing you the best

blind

2011-03-30T00:07:00.002+08:00

i guess this post is long overdue. although i did want to write something here, i can never muster the courage, the time or the strength to write my thoughts here. i have the weird sense of insecurity, and i guess it is harming me in more ways than ever.

i guess i've finally learnt how to let you go. i am no longer obsessed with you. in fact, you have faded so seamlessly that i don't remember where, when or how. it was never a doubt that the moments i had with you (although very brief) were beautiful. just like you, simply beautiful. however, i don't think that i will stop loving you, hence i will love you forever.

to you,thank you for allowing me to have those wonderful moments together. 3 years, and now, we are moving on. i wish you joy, happiness, and above all things, love. i know you will be better when you are gone. and that is why, i promise myself that i shall not miss you that often. again, i was blind at that moment, but my blindness will not stop me from loving you forever.

explorations. they don't work. they will never work, and i am just a natural human repellant. a few conversations, and i never hear from you again. a few sms-es, a phone call, and no more news from you. a few lines, and then, you're gone. thank you then, i say, for showing me the way. thank you also, i say, for making me realise that it is only but a short lived dream.

i don't know what are my chances anymore, but i think i am too tired to continue on. i don't wanna take it anymore, and i have had enough of this shit. if only things could work out easier for me, then i wouldn't have to be in this dilemma so often.

i only smile when i want to. i also have the 'you don't look important for me to smile at you' look (so says my friend), which i think is pretty true. so, i guess it is fate, and i shall learn to accept it. come what may, i say. come what may.

i am so blind i guess i will never see the light. i should learn to refocus. at this moment, i am already dumping a lot of my attachments, and moving on to a higher level of realisation. i hope that i do not falter in this quest, to reinvent a new me. i guess you can call it the final stage of Marslow's heirarchy of needs. i am now going for spiritual development, and i think it is for the best.

wish me luck.

anyway, the only interesting thing that happened was that i was in Japan again, to attend the conference. as usual, it is cold, and it snowed, but i loved it to bits. however, my prayers to all those affected by the tsunami and the earthquake. i do wish that i can go there and help all i can, but i guess it is not forthcoming.

have a pleasant evening.

dates

2011-02-06T01:35:00.003+08:00

i can't really remember the first time i met you, which i think it was the gym. i think it was bodypump, and some friends commented on u wanting to hold on to ur space. nevertheless, that didn't register much as compared to the first time i met you outside.

i remember the dim sum place, as it is my favourite joint. u were seated at the next table, with ur mum, while i was having my dim sum. i still remember u loving those egg tarts, cos i couldn't get my hands on anymore. it was just before mid autumn festival, and in all the reflected colours of the lanterns, u looked radiant. somehow, i never thought that you could remember that occassion.

october: if it wasn't for the clubbing, and my friend being a friend of yours, i wouldn't have gotten to know u. as if fate had its way, ppl were trying to shove me closer to you. yet, i was afraid. i didn't know you then. however, u remembered bout meeting me during dim sum, and i totally blew it, cos i remembered clearly that day. however, i was being such a jerk at that moment.. one toast, and then u said goodbye. i longed to see you again after that.

october: a few days after. fate has a funny way of playing games. of all the people to walk into while going into the locker room, it was you. and why that time? why that moment? and why you? why had i got to go in, without realising that you were coming out. but aside from the formal apologies, we had nothing to say.. i was rushing. i saw u waiting outside, but sadly, it was not for me...

november: 7th. to see you workout in gym, it was a pleasure. however, i cannot show myself, not muster the courage to approach you. even worst was when i was wearing a huge shirt that shouts: kiddy.

november/december: you were in the papers. i saw. thousands of others saw. you were at the funeral. u saw me, but not the other way round. an impulsive message brought good response, but it terminated at your end. i should have seen the signs. eventually, i had to pass all my festive occassions alone.

january: crazily, i sent you another message on FB. u replied, to my surprise. u looked all bright and sunny. but that was when i found out that you will be leaving the gym. i guess, i should have learn by now to let go.

feb: i tot i could, but obviously, it didn't happen. seeing you on chinese new year's night totally killed everything. for i see you, but u don't see me. u were happy, and i feel like trash.

at this juncture, i am a packet of nerves, and emotions. i really want to pour my heart out, but i can't. there are many other ppl out there who are relying on me for support. but as expressed by a close friend, who is my support then? where are my crutches when i am down and out. i guess, this is the price to pay to be me. i really hope that the tears would flow, and rid me of a lot of misery.. but it will never happen. i will continue to have false hopes, never realising that the only person suffering is me. you will not see all these, so, am i actually fading in vain?

where is my sanity when i need it? where is my courage when i need it the most? should i let you go? or will i ever know what is there for me?

i guess time will eventually help me out, but as for now, i surrender my life and soul to the booze that will grant me partial distortion from this cruel reality called life.

why, CNY 2011

2011-02-04T01:00:00.002+08:00

what does it take for me to move along. why is it that you have to be there when i am least expecting, ruining my night in an instant. why is it that i can see you, but u can never see me? why is it that you can be so happy, while i stuck here now with my heart on my sleeve? and why can't you be more direct, and give me an indication, instead of messing me up with all these stupid signs. i have had enough. and yet, why can't i let go of you

invisible man

2011-02-02T01:53:00.004+08:00

seeing your recent update, i can't tell if i should feel happy or sad for you? and also, should i feel happy or sad for myself? i certainly do not know. however, i know that you will always be able to find someone more worthy than what you had before, and certainly that someone is not me. at this point in time, you still don't see me.

with the chinese new year round the corner, i really hope that you will be able to enjoy it as much as i do. for you will never know, i will still pray for your very wellbeing :)

love

Until the day...

2011-01-30T01:48:00.003+08:00

Until the day when the Yellow River runs dry..
Until the day when the Swifts can no longer learn to fly..
Until the day when there is no more Brightness in the sky,
Only then, will there be closure in this sorry heart of mine.

- I don't know why, but you do inspire me in many different ways. You constantly bring out this person in me which i have suppressed so long. In a way, thank you.
Other than that, thanks for making me a sad, pathetic b***h, always wallowing in this filthy puddle of mud :)

For I Am

2011-01-18T00:12:00.003+08:00

For in time of Adversity, misery and pain;
I am the Angel, shining through the rain.
For i Run the seven continents, scale the seven peaks;
Sail the seven Oceans, just to be at your side,
Through Night and day, never letting you out of sight.

For Hours to days, i am willing to give;
Fine Weather or neither, for as long as i live.
Armed with courage, passion and strength,
For i am the kNight that will rides,
Four corner of the Globe, to the far sides.

Yearning and learning that hope remained,
Eager to savour, the sweet soul that retained;
Never appeasing, my passions abstained.

Merry are those who believe, ever wanting to achieve;
Ivory and coal, ever willing to give.
Never taking, for the pure and the saints;
in God we trust, till this soul...remains.

For i am pure, and i am giving, for I am the lamb.
For i feed the hunger, the poor and the maimed.
For i seek not my happiness, but those around me to believe.
For i am pure, i am.. for i am LOVE

p.s.: this little piece was inspired after i posted a very random note on FB, wanting to believe:

: and i surrender myself to you, praying that you will finally answer my call and end my misery...for i sacrifice not for myself, but the good and benevolance that surrounds me.

it was followed with my own comment of: for i ask for none for myself, but for the happiness and joy experienced by others. for only when they are happy, will i considered my prayers heard and my sacrifice taken. for i am, but a soul, willing to die for the millions that will benefit from it. for i am the lamb, providing meat to help those who are hungry and poor.

after reading, and learning the cryptic message from my heart, it is apparent that you are still standing there, never wanting me to close. therefore, this little prose that i have written, is specially dedicated to you. hopefully one day, you will get to read it, and understand the heart that wrote it. let it be known that fear, grief and disappointment fills me at this time, but certainly, like the fate of pandora, i can only hope.

YOU.. 2011

2011-01-08T00:06:00.002+08:00

well, isn't this an interesting situation. as much as i convince myself that i survived the year, there is an undeniable fact that you came into my life and shook my faith. there is no doubt that u made an impact, and yet you will never realise the affects of your actions/inactions. funny how i surrender my life to you, only to be reminded again and again that you don't know me. i am barely even there in your life, but i gave such a huge part of mine to you. it just begs the question of worth.. i learn, and yet i falter again and again. if only i had not meet you. if only i had not talked to you.. then, perhaps it would be better.

prior to the close of last year, i retraced the steps that i met you. the places that held us for a moment. but to my disappointment, there is nothing left of you there. in fact, you don't belong, and i should learn how to close you from my mind. if you had only known...

funny how you asked me (although you are drunk) if i still love fate A and fate B. as much as those fates do not belong to me, i love them as much as i love you. for you shall always be a part of me, a part where i'll be concerned, and a part that i will still care for. however, with the recent year, i learned to be selfish. i should be wasting my energy anymore to worry for you, nor my other two fates. for all of you are now mature and ready to take flight. most importantly, my concerns and worries are selfish and will not be appreciated.

and then, you raise a belief beyond doubt that i should find love, and let love find me too. i did found love. i understood the meaning of love, and the even greater meaning of letting go, as part of love. i guess there comes a point in time where the greatest love prevails, allowing for me to love all of you unconditionally, instead of a selfish love.

you said i am making progress by being myself. at least, i learnt how to pick up pieces of my life and make good. i am confident of myself, and am sure of what i want. but is this true? are your observations accurate? is it because of our long separation that you no longer know me best? nevertheless, i am thankful for you, always hearing me out.

and finally, you. you took ONE tear away from me last night. that was all that i could muster. the sorrow is just too deep that it can no longer be expressed at this level. i will promise myself to be strong, and hopefully to get better rest tonight. and i guess that tear was a good warning, and here is me wishing u a happy 'relationship', iphone or not.. i may not know the entire truth, but i guess my observations and hunches may be right sometimes. even if it is not right, i am satisfied having to love you once, without you knowing or not..

the end of 2010

2010-12-31T00:46:00.002+08:00

it's been a while since i last posted something up on this blog. i have to admit, i did become lazy. but apart from that, there is nothing much worth sharing, or i feel would matter to people anymore. now, don't get me wrong. i still get my ups and downs for the past few months, but i guess i just couldn't find the heart to put it all in words.

here's a recap for future reference:

1. work sucks. as much as people think that my work involves sitting in front of the computer and idling my time on facebook, that is not the truth. i face my own trials and tribulations that i can't seem to share with anyone. working in a place whereby politics is taken to the extreme is not satisfying. the situation worsens when the pay is not enough to sustain my lifestyle and support my future. the final straw: i'm starting to lose my job satisfaction. however, come 2011, i have resolved to settle all this once and for all. i am returning to uni to continue my post-graduate studies.. hopefully for my PhD.

2. gym. i've worked my ass for things to happen. sadly, things won't happen just the way that i want. i can't seem to get the body that i want. worst still, i am aging drastically, and it won't be long before i lose everything. will i able to achieve it? as much as my mind wants it, i don't think my body is able to take it anymore. in fact, i am suffering from fatigue...

3. passion. in delivering my job as an instructor, i try to do it with as much passion as i could. i prepare my best, perform my best, and deliver my best. but, will people ever realise that? with class numbers dropping, it will be a matter of time before i become irrelevant, and obsolete. so, what is the point of me continuing? coupled with other factors such as politics and ego, being an instructor is not that sweet after all..

4. friends. i am lucky to have them. it is amazing how small gestures shown by some people managed to warm the heart. i don't expect much (because everything always never meet my expectations), but i am certainly grateful for the blessed souls that surrounds me. christmas just passed by, but blessed are the souls that shared their love with me.

5. limerence. it's been a while. i have learnt to let go on one. sadly, i am stupid just to fall for another. worst still, you don't even know that i exists. i have given up on love a long long time ago, and yet, you managed to shatter the inner core of my heart, bringing back that spark. but i have to say, that spark is slowly dying off again. i know that deep down, i can never have you. i guess i am still blessed to be able to love you and see you love others.

6. kindness. life has been kind to me. although 2010 wasn't a piece of cake, i still managed to walk out of it with some sweetness in my heart. there are memories that are really worth keeping, and bitter experiences that i shall learn from. but most importantly, i managed to walk out of it as pure as the lotus that emerges from the muddy lake.

what is in store for 2011, i don't know. i don't wanna unravel the future, and allow it to consume me. i understand that there is still hope left, and my only hope is to survive it as happily as i can be. i have never pictured myself going beyond the 25th year of my life, hence it is unchartered territory for me for the coming year. let's hope i survive it, and manage to enjoy most of it.

resolutions, i don't make any. as usual, carpe diem.. just let it be

Was never you

2010-08-31T00:41:00.005+08:00

If there was anything good that God created, it was you.
Yet, as I already knew, good things never happen to me,
Hence was never you.
You lifted me in spirits when times were good, unknowingly.
Yet you shattered me when times were bad, unknowingly.
And still, it was never you.
You showed me all those truths,
and together, all those lies
all those memorable moments,
and those, i have yet to forget.
And still, it was never you.
Now that you're gone,
I still feel that you're near.
Ever I long for,
and ever i Fear.
And still, 'twas never you.
Seeing you happy, i'm glad you were there
Seeing you sad, i yearn to be there.
but, nevertheless
it was never you..

To those who are experiencing a broken heart, this is for YOU.

ciao

the last airbender

2010-08-08T01:14:00.002+08:00

finally, after all the hype and anticipation, the film failed to live up to its expectation. probably i was expecting a little too much.. but still, when i first saw the trailer, i told myself that this is a must watch. however, after watching this film, i am not sure if i will wanna catch book 2 and book 3 or not. i do love the cartoons, and i do think it is amazing, but it failed to translate properly to film. seriously, m.night, go back to where you belong, and leave major blockbusters alone. and the cast.. gosh!! do something!!

looks like my blog is slowly turning into a monthly update, instead of an outlet for me to channel my thoughts and emotions. sometimes, i get so conflicted inside that i don't know where to start. hence, the stagnation. other times, i just feel so tired about everything and don't really wanna blog about anything anymore. actually, i am feeling very very tired now. all, physically, mentally and emotionally. i need a break to get away from all these problems, baggage.. again.

it's now more than a month since i last accepted my new job. this is on top and above my current job. besides that, i am also so actively engaged in rectifying the faults in the gardens that i realised that i have no time for myself anymore. there are just so many things to do.. and the worst part, i cannot save the world. it is not in my powers to save the world. even if i had, the world is not worth to be saved (but then again, that is another story altogether). i do hope that certain things can change, and there are things that i can be proud of eventually. but i do question myself. where do i move from here. i really need to move on, and get away from all these things.

what i thought i have left behind comes back and haunt me once in a while. the powers that be sure has a funny way of reminding me of certain things. and there are certain boundaries that should not be crossed or broken. yes. i see the truth. there are times when i wonder if it is a boon or a bane to be able to see so much, but in this case, it is a boon. it is good for prevention.

i do realise that my defense mechanism is rather weak when it comes to dealing with matters of the heart and the mind. i'd realise that i prefer to walk away, or just turn away, rather than confronting the problem and addressing the issue. and the only thing i do best, is to blame myself for what has happened. seriously, i think i need to change this..but then again, it is virtually impossible to change this as it's been ingrained in me for so long.

alright, gonna keep learning to move on now, and also move to the bed.
ciao

3am,1107

2010-07-11T02:57:00.002+08:00

it's been a while since i last posted anything here. not that i have abandoned the blog, but i guess i was running dry, and sometimes, i just don't feel like writing anything here at all. I guess tonight's a little different, as i am watching the third place play-off for the fifa world cup. am rooting for germany, but their performance in the last match (and this match) has been quite dismal.

watching footie, you say. so not me. but yea, every once in four years, I will gather some energy to join in the fun and watch the world cup. it is quite intesting to watch the teams play, and how they perform, as a team, and as a individual. it's not easy to bring together 11 people from different clubs, put them together, and expect them to fight as one. probably can be reflected on life too..but i guess when the banner is strong enough, the spirit will be then.

a little thing about the game this time around. isn't it a little funny that an octopus is also sharing so much limelight? haha. yup. octopus paul. although i did post up my intention to fry it, i maintain that the octopus is innocent, and doesn't determine the outcome of the game. i guess it was a convenient excuse, especially when we deal with losses. again, same can be seen for other normal events of our lives. we will tend to seek a convinient scapegoat to make our mistakes and losses more bearable.

the few weeks have been pretty hectic, and i expect the same to happen for the next four months. working for two organizations is pretty hard to juggle with, and will use more of my time as compared to normal. but i guess i cannot complaint. i shall only make a change when some things are in place. i can't wait, and yet i am not prepared.

had a short period to reflect on my jeykell and hyde traits again this afternoon, right after emceeing for the book launch of The Sara Saga and Hail,Penang!. i know i am comfortable appearing on stage, and can speak pretty well. but there is another part of me that questions my comfort of stepping into the limelight. i guess this question will never be answered.

enough of blabbering for a while. will continue to fill my life with more exciting things, and learn to enjoy the moment. after all, i continue to learn, to live and let die.

baby steps

2010-06-17T22:28:00.002+08:00

the path is set. from now on, there is no turning back. it shall be the way, and i will make my baby steps towards the ultimate jump. there is no more caution, no more pretense, and no more play, for i have already made up my mind. moving forward, and moving far, that is the way to go.

ever wondered how it felt to stretch yourself to the max? it is amazing. the thrill, the drama and the emotions that can make or break any minute, any second.. am loving it. well, it shall not be the end of it.

crystals are beautiful, and they have another function too. probably i should be thankful that i finally dug out the crystal hidden in my closet for so long, and now, it is really aiding me in my life. i can finally understand, and then, take the most appropriate action.

will try to blog more, but there are no more guarantees now. taking life as it is, and living like i'm dying

rainbow 10

2010-06-04T00:43:00.002+08:00

may 28th. i guess i shall now remember this day for quite a while. it was wesak day, and also, the start of my 'rainbow' tour to KL. it was the start, of something new. something that i had always wanted to try, and now that i've experienced it, i guess i am sure what i want even more. may 28th. however, it was pity that you didn't leave a name, and a number. but i have to say, thank god for bars that make long island teas... they sure know how to put in those maraschino cherries.. and they do wonders.

still on the rainbow tour, i finally saw the truth. i saw the crux of the matter, and i am adamant that i will not get involve in the whole mess. i cannot afford to be in the mess, as i am a wreck, and i have baggage. it is better that i become the escapade, rather than part of the mess. fun is all i need right now.

moved out of the stone age. finally got myself a new phone. probably it was a blessing in disguise, for if i had not lost the old one, i wouldn't have made such drastic changes. out with the old, and in with the new, they say. this couldn't be more true. i appreciate those who have been there in the past, but it is time to empty the closet and make room for new beginnings.

i am ready to try again. but you will have to accept me with all my baggage.

ciao

Time

2010-05-23T01:50:00.002+08:00

time. how i wish i could turn it back. back to the time, where certain events did not take place. wish i could do it all again, but this time, only in a different manner. but then, again, wishful thinking. when will i ever realise that time lost is time never to be regained. it is only now time for me to look forwards, and move on.

and this time, i shall be doing it right. never again will it happen. this time, i sought my own misery. there shall be no next time. i call it quits now. there is no point for me to harp around, and be upset by the matters. it happened this time, but i swear ( and i really swear), never again will it happen.

the future. i am not certain what are the things to come. what to expect. are those possible futures that i see? or should i give everything up. i am at crossroads now, and it is hitting hard on me. where should i go?

no matter what the road, i shall channel my focus to my decision. no more fooling around. just energy and attention to the sole focus, even if it means wandering the earth as a penniless vagrant. no looking back. no regrets.

ciao
time, something to love and hate. tell me how to stop...

belated birthday blog

2010-05-10T00:08:00.002+08:00

turning a year older may not be an easy thing for some, especially for me. while some tend to take it easy, and embrace it, it was harder for me. well, i guess being a quarter century old has its ups and downs. seriously, i had never envisage a life after 25. i don't see what i will become at 26, 27, 28 and so on. so, i guess it was a hard thing for me. but having said that, life still goes on, and i will march on ahead.

probably the blessing for this year is that i get to escape from loads and loads of affection. while some have conveniently forgotten, i get to escape with the pre-requisite dinners, sing-songs, candle blowing shit. i guess mondays are not that bad after all. however, i will not forget those who had spared the effort to help me celebrate. in fact, two people just bought me belated b'day meals.. no fan fare, just nice simple dinner.

also, i think i did turn a little wiser. i managed to see through it, i managed to expect the unexpected, and also not put hope on what i expect. although i may be frustrated to a certain point, i guess i've learnt to let go, and let live. after all, i cannot expect things to remain the same, forever. sometimes, things may turn out better, at times, it may turn out worst. so, i guess we have to accept both outcomes, no matter what it may be.

just a random thought. i had two cakes, and both were celebrated with ppl singing. while they may attempt to display enthusiasm, it did seem as if it was a funeral, and they were singing a requim. how apt. and the best part, the gift.. haha. a candle. couldn't be more fitting, then a gift to light my way in the afterlife. although i may not be certain what lies in the afterlife, i don't mind a light to guide my path. i've wandered in the dark enough here..

i guess this is as much as i can think of right now. work lies ahead, and that is what i am ready to take on. then, studies. as to the other matters.. i guess they can wait.

cheers

Closure..beginning

2010-05-04T23:21:00.003+08:00

after missing in action for a while, i guess it is time to come back to blogosphere, and re-compose my thoughts. i never thought it would be that hard, but it was certainly an obstacle that i had to make it through. now it is done and over with, i guess i can move on. i have to admit, remnants of the obstacle will remain, but again, i will not let it have the better part of me.

looking back, the hiatus allowed me a lot of time to do some soul searching. i had no idea what i was looking for, but i guess eventually, everything cleared out. i can see that it is finally time to stop fooling around anymore. time to get back to my studies, time to make plans for the future, and time to 'clean up' my act.

it's also been a while since i came back from japan. then, it was followed by the chinese new year, and other work commitments, societal commitments, i guess i really lack the energy to move forward anymore. i've tried to dedicate myself so much to work, and then trying to lead a normal life. but i guess that cannot be helped. how do i start over? where do i start over? i need an answer.. but i believe those questions will never be answered.

as of now, i am officially a quarter century old. yup, all those saying, it is finally here. i hated every moment of it, am still hating it, but i guess i still have to put on a smile everyday. i wish it could all end now, but i guess it is not that easy.. if only there are options. some way. somehow, why are we not deciding our life? why are we being dictated by social norms, by other ppl's choices and options, and to a further extend, some unknown forces that controls life and death. why can't we just option to press the button, and let it all end.

sometimes, do you ever wonder if it is worth wasting all the energy and effort? all the thoughts, emotions, and work? just for an impulsive moment? and finally, regretting it later. i know it is too late to regret it now, and it has being done, but i just can't help but to feel a little irked by that. i need a closure, i believe it is there, but why can't i reach out to it, and close it up.

somebody save me..
teach me how to cry, and i will live and let die.

am off again. for how long, i am not sure. probably i'll be back. soon

cheers

hibernating part 2?

2010-03-15T00:26:00.001+08:00

i'd just realise that the last post was posted when i was in kawasaki. more than a month have passed since then, but i am not keen on posting anything on here yet.

i will be back soon.

ciao

Reporting live.. Kawasaki, Japan

2010-02-04T20:03:00.002+08:00

it's been four nights here in Kawasaki, and i have to say, i am loving it. the feeling of being so far away from home, being so far away from everyting else. if only i don't have to wake up from this dream, and face the reality of life. if only all these could last a little longer, and perhaps i will be better.

snow. beautiful.white. that was exactly what i experienced the first night i was here. although this is not my first time walking in the snow, it never failed to impress me how beautiful, pure, and yet cold it is. i guess my emotional manisfestation have even brought forward the love of being in the snow. anyway, i was informed that it rarely snows here, and i was lucky to have experienced the second snowfall this season (in fact, there was a third snow fall last night, but it wasn't just as heavy as the first night. am now praying for more tonight).

shopping.eating.learning.culture. all these aspects have been mentioned so many times in my blog, and this is the first time where i really get to live the life. it is just so amazing to be in a place when there is so much happenings going on. what's more, being the adventurous person that i am, it is no surprise that i have discovered more charm in the city of kawasaki than the industrial estates.

politics.friends.state.self : being on a same trip with one of the most seasoned politician of Penang has its pro and cons. in fact, i've come to learn of more things regarding politics, and also the thinking of the man behind one of the more important portfolios in Penang State Government. besides that, i've also managed to see a more down-to-earth human part for it, and probably did regain some of my trust to exercise my voting rights during the next election.

diva.impressions.celebrity: i guess the water did affect some of my thinking here (or maybe it is just too cold), but i did one of the most amazing things that i wouldn't have done it in penang..taking self portraits. i know, the first thing i expect would be labelled vain. but don't judge me yet. look at the pictures on FB, and then tell me what you think. as to impressions, i didn't know that my presentation have left such a huge impression amongst the participants in the forum. in fact, i have been approached several times today, with people asking me to take pictures with them. besides that, being congratulated over and over again, and also being the subject of admiration (as i was told by a friend of shenyang) did inflate my ego a little. i promise i won't let it get to my head, but do cut me some slack so that i can enjoy my moment of glory. it is not surprising that my presentation is flawless, as i do enjoy being there in front..hehe.

on separate matters, i know my previous post sounded bleak, but what the heck.. haha. it reflects my thoughts, emotions and opinions. hahah. but then, i do know how to become a better person, and i will not let [Q] get into the way of being Ben.

sayonara.

ai shiteru.
Ben

leaving

2010-01-31T02:49:00.002+08:00

i think it doesn't matter anymore. even if it did, i will not let it have the best of me. i will soldier on, with or without your blessings, and i know i can make it through. after all, it is not the first, and neither is it the last. deep down, i'd wish that it would have been, but fact remains, it didn't. so be it, for i just want to be happy.

this time around, i really hoped that none will know, until i reach my destination. it wasn't really for the surprise element, but just that i don't wanna make a big deal out of it. after all, it is for business, and so what. no one will realise that i am gone, for none knows or remember my existance anymore.

it lingered, longer than a moment that it should. it was good to have it back, but equally bad to have it back. don't worry, as it will not move on. things and circumstances have changed so much that i don't even feel the warmth anymore. strangely, the figurative ice is starting to make literal sense.

i had the opportunity to take on certain task that was beyond my imagination years ago. and this time, i guess i was lucky or fated to see and feel the atmosphere that was needed. aided by samaritans, and being lucky (in a way), it gave me a good chance to be closer to an ancient power. if only it could last a little longer. am hoping that i'll be wiser in the near future.

having caught two movies back to back in the past few hours, i have to say, i did learn some really important things. again, i guess i am the only person that looks beyond a movie to comprehend the message. sometimes, i do wonder if it is worth it. probably i should be a dense head and just watch, laugh and leave. but why do i have to see it, read between the lines, and learn it? in any case, dreams are important,and sometimes, big things do happen if you don't stop dreaming.

i want to dream, but can i afford this dream?

i wish you well.

i learn, and will not stop learning.

goodbye and goodnight.

blog will be on hold while i'm in Japan for a few days.
will probably update it there, but if not, cheers

ciao

err.. huh?

2010-01-23T00:31:00.003+08:00

i HAVE to learn how to walk away. i HAVE to learn how to NOT see things anymore, NOT hear things anymore, and NOT say things anymore. again, i WILL not falter... haha. in fact, i think i'm stronger..

baby loves to dance in the dark.... so i just wanna dance in the dark...

in a way, i'm happy that it is over. and am also looking forwards to the days ahead. my presence/absence makes no difference. shades of grey that i see, blinds the path ahead. wonders in the clouds, losers never pout...

ciao

dance in the dark

2010-01-17T03:07:00.003+08:00

amazingly, having about 3 pure shots of bacardi apple in my system now is not impending my judgements, and my evaluation now. in fact, i can even see clearer the things to come, and things that might be happening.

i've also come to terms with the situation, and realised that it can no longer be the same. things have got to change, and i have to take the first step. be it that i have taken small steps all these while, but a giant leap is needed to take it further.

standing on the dance floor, with lights shining by, and music pulsing through my veins... it was virtually impossible to get me to dance. what have gone missing, you may ask.. and i would say, myself. in fact, the person that was supposed to be myself have died in that crash, and this is just a substitute.. keen on taking it differently.

when all things have come and passed, only emptiness remains. when this is the sorry fact, then i guess my path towards it remains true.

however, in the words of gaga.. i just wanna dance in the dark..:)

ciao

if, and only if

2010-01-10T23:14:00.003+08:00

a week has passed since my last proper blogpost here. don't be mistaken, the gaga post did mean something, but i guess, there's more than that.
first week of january has come and gone. entering the second week, with more things on my plate. i have to admit, being fully dedicated to work has its downs, but then, what better way to erase pain than to add more pain to it?

i did realise what was going on, and i saw. i have to say, every once in a while, i do feel like slapping the man in the mirror. and i keep on asking why.. but i guess, i just don't wanna know the answer anymore. everything has come to passed. things will be better from this point on.

found a very interesting read. desmond morris's peoplewatching. it's a book on sociobiology, observing the human animal from a biological point of view. very interesting read, elaborating on various concepts of human actions. in fact, i did have the thinking of sociobiology before i was introduced to the book, and i do hope that i can learn something from it. however, there isn't an opportunity here for me to pursue this subject.

if, and only if.

regards

'if you could walk amongst kings, and yet not loose the common touch'- Kipling,R

gaga gaga

2010-01-05T00:12:00.003+08:00

i'm your biggest fan, i'll follow you until you love me.
baby, there's no other superstar, you know that i'll be......
promise i'll be kind, but i won't stop until the boy is mine.
baby, you'll be famous, chase you down until you love me

if only

2010-01-03T01:19:00.001+08:00

if, and only if.
hencefort, never is, and never will be
i know and yet i don't know
i learn and yet i falter.

Post 1/2010: Post 260

2010-01-01T01:41:00.002+08:00

from the title, i think it is apparent that i have nothing much to say. i guess i have nothing left, but to embrace the new year with new hopes and new beginnings. probably it was apt for me to take these couple of weeks off, and found time to heal myself, both physically and mentally. although i'm still working my way to recovery, i'm still damage, and there is nothing much that i can do about that fact.

2010, and i've just realised that it's been one year already. 365 days have passed since that night. you may not know how significant it was, but i guess you'll never know. i guess, moving down the months, i will learn even further, to live with and in pain. but then, i will also learn how to heal.. amen

celebrations were low key this time, and i am quite glad that things worked out fine today. i've learnt that i've got a greater mission to do, which is to help the people, and the state, and must learn how to put this greater interest ahead of my petty problems. i may not be a saint, but i will not let personal interest get in the way. people first...

i've done what i have to do, said what i have to say, and learnt what i have to learn. where do i go from here, only time will tell. until then...

auld lang syne

ciao

absence

2009-12-20T23:58:00.004+08:00

the absence of activity comes from a new epiphany. i guess i should have seen this earlier, but it is never to late to realise the truth.

let this blog be a reminder rather than a story. let this post remind me, for the future. at anytime you read this, think again, and try to remember what brought you to this path. the road that you have taken, think back, and remember. promise yourself, that you can't look back. instead, be wiser, and learn to choose better.

the human heart is a very complex thing. physiologically, it's only a muscle. however, there's more to that socially. however, i don't really wanna comprehend the secrets that lie within. all i ask, is just for you to be strong, and listen to the sound judgement. for you can be strength, for you can be weakness... learn.

emotions are but a matter of perception. people see what you want them to see.. so, show them what they want. life is only but a masquerade. wear the masque well, and you will go far. take it off, and you'll be eliminated. so, when you read this again. remember.

that's all i have for the moment.

ciao

drunk

2009-12-07T23:07:00.002+08:00

so, i finally figured out where the problem was. it wasn't with anyone else, it wasn't with anything else. but the root of everything was me. myself. the very person who caused so much distress in my life is myself. if i had not let it fester, it wouldn't have happened. if it wasn't my stubborness, and my inability to control myself, it wouldn't happen. it it wasn't for my failure, then i wouldn't have caused myself that much hurt and pain.

probably it really take me quite a while to realise it, and probably i have realised it, but i fail to take it to heart. i failed to bring myself to accept the fact, in which i should have done so earlier. gosh, i failed in my practise. all because of the stupid thought that i could. probably i should really look in the mirror and re-evaluate myself. the monster that stares back needs to be taught a lesson in life, and move on to continue being the monster...

i finally got what i wanted, and a little bit more. managed to get myself dead drunk last friday, and then, for that added effect, and accident. the amazing part of driving into someone's porch (and through its hedge), is that it will sober up a person immediately (albeit temporarily). i do wonder what was i thinking. but then, i did get dead drunk, and finally threw up. oh, the feeling.. it's so painful that i like it....

to think that i actually could have been dead twice in the same day, and yet managed to walk out alive and unharmed... probably i have my guardian angels to thank (as someone put it). but then, deep down... somewhere very deep down in my heart, there is also a part that wished that i was dead, and everything would be ok.. i guess that subconscious thinking actually blurred me and led to my accident... and now, oh, how i wish i am a has been....

the funny part about growing up is.. when you fail to perform, u do hope someone will lecture you. scold u, or reprimand you.. but my parents are not doing this to me over this incident. in fact, dad was supporting me to go out to socialise and not coop myself up.. but reality is, i do admit, i am suffering from mild post-traumatic stress disorder. i have learnt it, and am suffering from it. will try to get through it, but i guess it will take some time...

although i have told myself to move on, i couldn't find myself a direction anymore. in fact, this morning, i was in a total loss of what to do. i don't even know how to go on with life, and all i am doing now, is just living it from day to day.. i think i need to seek professional help..

enough of my crazy stories. still need to find some time for myself, and learn how to live again. however, i don't think i can break away from self guilt, disappointment and self resent anymore. only time will muffle these wounds, for they can never be healed...NEVER

ciao

scrooge

2009-11-27T11:25:00.002+08:00

watching x'mas carol reminded me quite a number of things. i can't say if they are right choices, but then, there are things to be learnt.
1. firstly, why do we celebrate x'mas? isn't it like another day to rob us?
2. why peace on earth and goodwill on men, when there is no peace in the heart of the person wishing so.
3. i realised that scrooge in disney's version is so so so mild, and so toned down. if only we had a darker version of scrooge.
4. and speaking of which, i guess he's my latest idol, then. cold, dry and sad (at least before the visitations)

had a convenient conversation with someone recently, and it seems like she'd just believe what i would say. is it really that in my face? am i that trust-worthy? or trust-able? i don't wanna be.

another conversation with another person made me realise that we are wanting the same thing.. that is to hope that someone is actually dreaming about our lifes, and just wake up. it is unbearable, and if only this is all just a dream..

i wish i could turn back time, to 3 years ago, when i first stepped through that door. i wished i could stop myself from entering, and sparing myself from all these. who would have thought, that the road leading down till now is filled with traps and thorns...

isn't it amazing that the one most peaceful place on earth, would be the office on a public holiday. i am getting the angina now.. hopefully will further the stimulation, to let it all out.

miracles, romances, passions, and wishful thinking... i think i should banish all this into the bin from now on. i know that it'll never happen, so why am i lingering?

ok, back to work now

ciao

scrooge

2009-11-23T17:31:00.003+08:00

the drama, the conflict, the climax.. it is all over. it's finally peace :)

random thought:
1. i somewhat resemble ebenezer scrooge.. and we have ben in our name.. haha

2. malicious, conniving and manipulative. that's my dark side

3. i'm on a laughing streak..haha

ciao

update 2341 hrs

i am not a kind person. in fact, i can be quite evil and malicious. so what!! there's nothing wrong with being the bitch.

some enlightenment. probably i should have just listened to my heart, pay heed to the letter, and quit everything. that way, it will be tabula rasa all over again.

Nilla-paduma

2009-11-22T01:51:00.002+08:00

as i type this, i'm letting another course of vodka take its effect in my system. this time, it's neat, so i guess it'll be faster, and stronger.

another week has come and gone. ever so fast, it'll be december. time for the holidays.. time where ppl be cheerful and merry. but i'm guessing this is not the time for me.. never was, never is, and probably never will be. i just hope i have more time, than to write articles, to enrol for my studies and head back to the university.

went for a walkabout in the rain this morning, as i was doing a photo assignment at the clan jetties. a lot of random thoughts came to my mind. one of which happens to be that i don't really like being out of my comfort zone. i live by a certain set of rules, and that have guided me for a long time. but sometimes, change is just inevitable.

instead of going for the movies tonight, decided to stay in. i still wanna watch Astro Boy and Christmas Carol (in 3D!!!)hopefully i can catch all of those before new moon.. another hot hot movie. i guess it's time to go back to the dreamgirls period, as i enter another phase of development.

i've just had another 'heart to heart' talk, with a somewhat inconvenient source. somehow it doesn't seem proper and right, but i guessed i've done the damage. was asked to rank a few ppl in my life.. honestly, there are no rankings. i care for all.. especially to those that i have once held dear..

mid-week, i've realised 'nilla-paduma'. the blue lotus. no matter how murky the water is, the filth in the swamp, the lotus will always emerge, unharmed, beautiful, clean and pure. this is closely relevant... and with blue, it's a target for me to gain better 'idhi'.. i used to have some, and was subsequently clouded. hopefully, one day, i've cultivated enough idhi and prana, and i shall be free...

ok, time to retreat to my bed as the vodka is taking its effect.

btw, it's still not bringing any tears.. and this time, not even the saddest movie clip featuring dogs could make me cry anymore.. probably will need help soon.. hehe

ciao

Reporting error 305

2009-11-18T00:24:00.002+08:00

looking back, i think there is a need for me to attend english classes again. I just couldn't believe it. glaring error on the very first sentence. probably, this is just how my brain functions.. full of error, and yet, will commit to it.

again, i noticed something new. probably it isn't new. just that i did not see it earlier. in a way, i am sick and tired of this game. but i guess there is no harm in learning, or is it so? for me to keep on learning? is this what it takes?

i believe, there is a point in time, where things will change. the tipping point. but how soon is it? how close is it? we are slowly coming towards the end of the year. this is the time, where either joy or sorrow will take charge, and players will be dealt with the emotional card. am i strong enough to withstand it? will history repeat itself?

i know i am stubborn. in fact, i can be quite the bull.. but why am i keeping onto it? why is it so important? i should have let them fade away, and made peace with it. but why does it linger? always reinforcing itself in ways so vile? i guess alcohol is my only remedy now..

i dreamt a dream. blissful as it may be, reality always beg to differ. i guess the dream shall come to pass, and let it remain as that, forever.

my gastric pangs are back. am trying to control it. will do my best. but there is another part of me which is eager to take control and do more harm.. to whom should i listen to? me or myself?

ciao

Paradox

2009-11-14T22:37:00.002+08:00

it has been a week since i last posted something here. however, not much have been changed in the past week. work is still crazy, and in fact, have gotten so hectic that i finally have homework. i actually brought back materials to write 2 articles over the weekend. however, a day and night have paseed, and i have yet to write a single word for my article. probably i'm just a little too tired and exhausted to work my brain. some may think that i just came back from a holiday and should be all charged up to perform, but i guess they don't know the stories/drama/action behind the holidays.

being expressive. being dramatic. being brash and outspoken. but that doesn't mean that i come from drama school, does it? in these couple of weeks, i've been mistaken for about 3 times that i come from drama school, or have performing arts as my background. now, am i supposed to be flattered or offended? i dunno.

somehow, spilling my thoughts and emotions to ppl closest to me is starting to have its reflex action. i am now starting to feel insecure again. starting to worry about views, judgements and words. however, i can't seem to control myself and keep on blabbering... even spilling out previous demons in the closet such as my many suicide attempts over the years.. sorry, i don't mean to shock you, but trust me.. i survived about 4 or 5, and many more of those thoughts.

was recently reminded by a friend the reason i wear a ring on my left first finger. thank you so much before i become another person that is dangerous. will stick on with the ring, and am not sure when it will come off. probably when the time is right... someday.

just a hypothetical situation: you are eating a nice plate of pot roast, and you are nearly full. the meat was succulent and tender, and everything was just right. somehow or other, suddenly, you are being served a plate of meatballs spaghetti. what would you do? do you reject it? or do you eat it up? what if the spaghetti is really really delicious? but will the cheese make you sick? i dunno.. pray tell.

life is such a paradox. sometimes, i do wonder how i get along with it..

i have seen, learnt and understand. it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't real and true. and now that i have seen it. it's time to just....walk away, or can i?

am gaga-fied. and after finding out the meaning behind the song of bad romance, it resonates so badly with me.. and i am really loving it. i do wonder, though.. where did gaga get her dresses. weird, quirky and yet so amazing. she's an inspiration.

think i'll cut down on some drinking now. should really pay attention to my health and also my resources. don't think my digestive system can take that much alcohol, and not when i have bad gastric history (back in the past week again)..hmm

signing off now

pandemonium

2009-11-07T02:01:00.003+08:00

pandemonium - that's the time when all hell breaks loose. that is the time, when things get so out of control that there is nothing that can be done to rectify or manage the situation.

this is exactly what i am feeling now. or at least what i felt for the past few days (cos as of now,i am feeling tipsy already).

so, it seems that i have unleashed hell, and the greatest stone in my heart. i have set for and said things that i am and wasn't supposed to say. i have told certain people secrets so dark that they wouldn't want to even be associated with me from now on.. but i guess the damage is done.

being somewhat a listener, writer and thinker, it never really occur to me that i have the gift of eloquence to tell people so many other things. i have also struck down certain obstacles so strong, and am airing my dirty laundry in the general public.
thank goodness to my two besties tonight, for willing to take up my offer for a drink, and some partying. seems like it is not easy being us, and it will surely be harder being me..

so, according to besties, time to let it go. start anew, and i could easily do that if i learn how to let go, and work my assests. i also realised that previous encounters were generally shoved aside due to certain reservations in me.. now, it is time to ditch them all away, and finally start with something new.

i guess this is the last time i am going clubbing in a while. not only is it emotional and physically damaging, it also ruins my wallet by burning a huge hole inside it. however, won't mind for another round of drinks..:)

am signing off now to catch up on my soberiety

ciao

251: wednesday nite

2009-11-04T23:04:00.002+08:00

two weeks have passed since i taught the light. tonight, it is a different feeling altogether. i don't really know how to describe it, but it's just not what i used to feel.. if only i know.

seeing the pictures that have been placed up online, i dunno what to say. normally, i feel very happy to look at the vacation pictures, and am looking forward for a next time...but somehow, this time, it is different. again i don't wish to describe it any further, but i guessed i've learnt my lesson well. guess this is a very expensive lesson, and i should learn to understand and remember it by heart, forever.

how things have changed to the ppl around me. how understandings have been brought to a new level, and how ignorance, is finally bliss.

i've bared my soul, now i need to recover. and i hope it can be done soon, before i lose my sanity.

the fire is slowly dying off... too soon.

what's the point of having the stongest heart, in a body that is falling apart.. but what is the use then, of having a weakening body, and a even weaker heart?

moonlight resonance

2009-11-02T23:15:00.002+08:00

do you think that you will ever know me? do you think u understand,and think that it is what i want? do u understand? probably not.. but i don't think it is necessary to let you know anymore..

i guess i shouldn't have asked. in that way, i wouldn't have found out, and probably still live in my own little sad pathetic bubble. probably like the moonlight, i can forever shine, admired, and still be lonely..isn't it beautiful. isn't perfect.. how nature has set the signs for it to happen..

seems like today, i finally made history.. for once, i guess the barriers built within me were all destroyed, and i finally made the greatest confession, to someone i am really close.. it did provide a short sense of relieve, but it is not a long term solution.

i need a drink.. in fact, i think i need a whole bottle!!!

halloween closure

2009-11-01T21:15:00.002+08:00

as i write this post, i am still at the point of gaining my soberiety. not that i was completely drunk from last night, but there is still some traces of the things that had happen to me, that keeps on lingering around.

what started out as a halloween party eventually turned out to be more than what i have asked for. an innocent night out with pals, some drinking.. eventually turned into a greater deal of drinking and a whole host of other games that ppl play. that's also the point when i realise that it is enough, and there is no point kidding myself anymore.

it takes a great deal to come to terms with ourselves. not easy, and at times, full of doubts and confusion. i am still learning,and will continue learning until it's over.

what's the point of having a heart, when there is no one there to love???

i never really see myself as a dancer. in fact, i'm pretty convinced that i have two left feet. however, it had seem that 2 times in the clubs have proven me wrong. is it true? or am i just generating illusions to kid myself (again). what is that, that ppl see? that i don't realise?

i think i may be slowly turning into an alcoholic. not something that i'm proud off, but i think i really need it to help me get through things. even if it doesn't really help, at least it'll leave me sleeping throughout the day.

but then, there is also another point that i don't comprehend. alcohol tears down inhibitions. but why couldn't it restore the tears that i so want to shed. i tried to cry, but it still didn't work.. if only it could, i think i may feel a little better..

i need strength to shoulder on... need to find it from within.

am worried about phoenix. everytime it surfaces, it brings along with it a whole trail of destruction, and i have to pick up from its ashes the day after.. not sure what the phoenix may do in the future..

ciao

how?

2009-10-30T15:05:00.003+08:00

little did i realise, it's been a week since i was in Hong Kong. last week, this time, i was taking chances exploring rides in Ocean Park. I have to say, it was enjoyable there, to find a theme park that is so exciting and enjoyable. what's more, i kinda like their fauna exhibits there, including the seals and the dolphins.. it's always been a dream to be able to work around/with them, and i wouldn't mind if i got an offer to be relocated to Ocean Park to work in their educational programme for marine life.

am now exploring my options in conducting my research again. after a lag of a few months, am in limbo onto how to reorientate my research to bring significance to me, the institute, and also to the general public. as my field is relatively foreign in this land, it is not easy to plan, and think of how to go about. emails to the professor is not doing much good too, as he seems a little passive about my research. i need a sign and a guide.. come on!!

how can we tell someone something so much, and yet not tell the most important thing at all? how can we know so much and yet know nothing at all?? isn't life funny that things are not revealed clearly, instead leaving us in limbo and confusion? the worst is, how can one feel so much, and yet not feel right? and then, why do we choose to see what our eyes want to see? when there is even more apparent things right in front of us waiting to be seen... i certainly need to take a break, and listen to my heart for better guidance (however, the heart can also be confusing, as it is still endowed with emotions).

looking back, i have not been kind to myself, and not being kind to anyone else. is this how it is supposed to be? or should i just let go and let loose? is this just another big mistake waiting to repeat itself? i do not want to drown in my own emotions, and yet i trust no one to confide in.. why is it so ironic??

and speaking of ironic, i have seen the person asking the most ironic person.. it's like, i want to yell out to you, and yet i couldn't do so. and then, there is the other, whom i thought i knew, and yet i don't... and then there is the one that i yearn to know, and you just keep shutting me off...i can see the 'no vacancy' sign, but couldn't you just let me in through your door?

i'm sorry for all that have transpired, and i am sorry that i have let you down. it shouldn't have surfaced, and it shouldn't have happened.. and yet it did.

just a random thought: how can a person be left in a city of lights, filled with people, seen so many faces and hear so many voices, and yet feel so alone and foreign?

my bestie was shocked, and worried, and i guess i shouldn't have put her into the trauma. don't worry, i won't do anything silly..:). but then, the cemetery in macau was kinda pretty too...hehehe.

(blogpost written while listening to Leona Lewis's Homeless, and Better in Time, hence the darker mood).

Ciao

back again

2009-10-29T17:11:00.002+08:00

after spending 6 days in Hong Kong and Macau, i am finally back. however, am really sorry that i didn't blog immediately, as i was caught up with work, and also trying to get back with life. it's back to reality now (not that hong kong was any bliss.. haha)

going on this trip has left me with many confusion, and probably it is not the most relaxing trip that i have been to. on one hand, i am really happy and enjoyed myself, but there is also a great sense of disappointment and frustration.

i do wonder, what if i have chosen to stay put instead of going on that trip. had i chosen that choice, will it be better? will i be in a better state? i guess what is done is done.. i wasn't strong enough to say no, and i wasn't strong enough to follow the deeper voice of my heart.

i guess i'll probably start off with the happy parts. for one, i managed to cover a lot in Hong Kong (but not all). being the seasoned traveller, it is no surprise that i can manage it well despite it being my first time. as mentioned, i hate to be the leader, and i wasn't pleased with leading.. so, this may be the first and last time that i am doing it. should there be another trip again, i shall not do the planning, nor the leading. maybe i'll just take the back seat and just be the average tourist.

most of us did shop a lot, but for once, i didn't do that much shopping as expected. for once, i could not bring myself to splurge.. probably i was worried of the excess luggage thing.. and then, there was the point in me that got so confused with so many different things that eventually, i just didn't bother. then, when it was time to be at the greatest shopping mall of Hong Kong, i just lost all interest and went back to the hotel to rest instead.

i do have to admit, i did have a great time in ocean park. it was fun, but sometimes, queues could be outrageously long. pity that we had to give the halloween bash a miss. if only we could have done that too.. then certainly, it would be a much more memorable occassion.

then, there was the comparison between hong kong and kowloon, and hong kong and macao. personally, i really love the island compared to kowloon. there is a certain charm on the island, and also the lovely houses on the peak.. but then, macao is a different world altogether that i do wish that i can call my own there. i have to say, the gambling strip and the waterfront seemed a little fake, but in places such as taipa and coloane, it is really beautiful.

one of the quirkiest thing that i did during this trip was to actually went to seek the oracle, and had my palm read. it all came as a coincidence, as i didn't really want to seek the oracle. however, as if a natural force came into play, i actually seeked the sticks, and got it read. well, it was not too bad an oracle, but i have my reservations. had my palm read, and was told quite a number of things. i guess there are certain points that i will have to believe cos it was true... but i guess i am not trusting all. will probably update the oracle and the palm reading soon.

had actually planned to write another part of the phoenix saga here, but i guess my inspirations were limited again, and this has officially become a travel-ranting post.

will write a little more on my dark side/thoughts about the trip too, soon...

last but not least, thank to all... and thank you so much for opening my eyes again. i looked, but i didn't see.. now that i have used my heart, i finally understand.

ciao

[Q]

246: Flying

2009-10-22T04:35:00.002+08:00

This post is written shortly before leaving for Hong Kong/Macau. Finally, the day has come. I've been planning, and saving for this for the past 8 months, and the moment has arrived for me, to finally be able to travel to Hong Kong. I dare say, this trip is slightly more meaningful to me, as it is fully funded my myself, and everything is paid for by myself.. even though there are some set backs,and some play-offs, i guess i have to look beyond that, and just plan to have a good time there. after all, i have travelled london city alone so many times, what is hong kong to me?

did my theme class last night. although the class wasn't as full as the other theme classes, i was still very proud of myself. i managed to bring the class to another level all together, and it was one of the best moments that i have managed to achieve like, since i started teaching. i hope i did make a change, but even if i didn't, at least i know i did a good class.

there may be things that i may be mistaken, and i think it's silly to assume. i guess the old adage that assuming makes an ass out of you and me seems a little true. probably it is not what it seems, or people's mask can be just so amazing that i cannot see through.

then, there are things which i have witnessed, and think i am right. certainly, it should be a good thing, but i guess goodness doesn't really come to me often. and certainly not this time. however, i don't hope to see any denial, and if only we could live by the truth. what is the point of looking so far, when the close faults are ignored .

anyway, am leaving now for my flight.. until next time.

ciao

Wild Child??

2009-10-18T20:27:00.002+08:00

So, clubbing wasn't that bad.. in fact,it's good to be back in the scene once in a while (albeit, it's already been almost a year). At least, i know that i still have what it takes, and also what i have. But, is it really great? Should i give myself a chance?? hahaha... not sure.. haha (hmm, probably next time?? haha)

leaving to hong kong and macau in 3 days time. all the planning is near completion. however, i do pray that everything will turn out fine. after all, i am a magnet for murphy's law. things will somehow find a way to go out of plan, and i certainly hope that it wouldn't happen.

speaking of planning.. somehow, again and again ,i've been thrust into the position of leader/secretary/planner.. is this really my job? can i not lead for once? instead, just have fun and enjoy? i don't want to constantly take notes for everything, including my vacation. let's just hope that this won't happen again..

again on planning, but on another subject, i do kinda feel like i've been sabotaged. i mean, come on.. i have worked on it, and want it to be a bang..but do u really have to do it? do you really have to sabotage me just to impress ur ppl?

am running out of writing juice to do up the articles for my work. i may have some ideas, and will look for a way to pen my ideas down, but i still don't have the flair and the muse to link those thoughts together... even writing this post is difficult. probably i'm still tired...

will write again soon.

ciao

Exposed...

2009-10-16T22:04:00.002+08:00

Now that the House of [Q] have been exposed, i am not sure if it still safe to pen my thoughts here anymore. one side of me tell me it's ok, because this is my inner thoughts and feelings, but there is still another side of me, which is a little apprehensive. somepart which is still unsure, and worried if i should be read like an open book.

all this while, i managed to keep a good job separating work from social, and from personal.. but i do wonder.. is it even possible to amalgate them, or should i draw the border properly?? i think i need a sign..

am going clubbing tonight. after staying off the scene for about a year, it's time to leave everything behind, and start all over again. i've come to realised that i shouldn't be so conservative, and so stubborn. probably it's ingrained into me, but should i remain so?? time to let go, and enjoy.

now, just hope and pray that it's an innocent night, and i won't turn into a wild child, and get drunk..

enough for now,a m about to leave. waiting for my ride :)...c'est la vie

ciao

question: answer

2009-10-10T23:26:00.002+08:00

i have been missing from blogosphere for quite a few days already. mainly, due to work commitments, and also a certain obsession with facebook. instead, i find myself spending more and more time on facebook, officially becoming a facebook addict.

just had a couple of interesting moments in my life. being able to emcee an international conference is like a dream come true. being able to be recognized by so many ppl,and showered with compliments, simply amazing. seriously, i think i should start considering a career switch to doing emcee gigs instead. however, i do feel a little embarrassed that ppl would actually compliment me so much on my skills. firstly because i am not professional, and my command of the english language is not that superb too.. i guess it was sheer luck that i do not stammer, or freak out on stage or something..

the next most amazing thing, is to attend the UNESCO declaration ceremony on Suffolk House as a heritage site. it is not a ceremony to be missed, and simply amazing. being amongst the who's who in the cultural and heritage circle.. and being recognised and acknowledge. heck.. wonderful.

as usual, a lot of questions will pop up, coupled with a lot of answers that needs to be sought and understood. but i guess i'll just let it pass. eventually, the questions will be answered naturally, and when it does, it is too late, and i guess i don't want to question it any further.

about being played out, i guess ihave to accept the fact, and move along with it. not that i am happy with it, but i guess i should complain. cos there is no way to change it, and no one will understand. and basically, i was the one that wasn't exactly playing my cards well, and lost them all..or did i? only time will tell.

te amo

2009-10-05T23:33:00.002+08:00

firstly, i am really sorry that i failed to continue the phoenix saga. not that it's coming to an end, but i just don't have the means to convey the story properly, and am lost for inspiration. will need to look for my muse soon.. te amo.

something i've learnt. good things not necessarily begets good. in fact, too many good deeds will lead to evil things. again and again, i fall. again and again, i try to crawl my way up. however, i shall steel myself, and go on soldiering on.

i've also just realised that i've been outplayed again. probably i'll just bite the bullet, and just go on.. te amo. to finally learn to love again, it's good.. haha.

ciao
te amo

another rainbow trip..

2009-10-01T23:44:00.002+08:00

seems like, i just did another rainbow tour aka eva peron.. haha. but it's just not that glamorous, and not that widely publicised. but then, everything seemed well. in fact, it felt so good that i could almost feel it in my veins. let's hope that it is as what i want, and what i hope for.

things are starting to get busier from this juncture. even so, will i be able to bear and cope with all the burden??

i finally know where to find the strength, as i have already made peace :)

ciao

changes/closure

2009-09-29T22:52:00.004+08:00

new changes. shocking? probably not. but then, probably time is needed to adjust to these changes. inevitably, it always happen after the storm. and again, it brings new attitude. hmm... contemplations.

well, it seems like all of a sudden, i'm in demand to do MC gigs. this time, am doing it for another international conference, with loads of distinguished guests. do wonder if i am up for the job or not.

am going for an interview for an award. Young Environmentalist Award.. how funny. little did i expect that the random essay that i wrote will lead me to this second juncture. let's just hope that i'll get the award, and then go for a couple of weeks of internship in some other companies abroad.

hong kong, in about 25 days. am still undecided.

ciao

rejuvenate

2009-09-27T22:18:00.002+08:00

so, i spent most of the past two days looking into the past. as you may have already known, am reading my old blogs now. just realised that some issues remain the same. as ever.. haha. i even ventured back into the xanga times, and read of what happened since 2003. that was really long ago.. how times have changed, and yet somethings never do.

anyway, did another major revamp, and am promising myself to not regret this revamp. probably it's for the best. it seems like i do revamps everytime that i am down..

turning blind...

2009-09-26T00:53:00.002+08:00

isn't it amazing that sometimes, the least expected person can actually show us so much, and open our eyes again. once again, i saw something, and then, probably via some weird form of catharsis, saw something even deeper. i guess i understand more.

exposed?? i hope not.. even so, it's only opinions. not the truth, and it'll never be revealed. but i guess i have to really cover my tracks better. leave no trace, leave no signs, leave nothing, and take nothing. impermanence..

reasons

2009-09-24T14:53:00.004+08:00

There are reasons for not reviewing my posts, and part of it because it evokes so much thoughts and hidden feelings that sometimes, i just want to leave it behind.
however, i kinda broke my own rule, and happened to stumble upon one of the most depressing post that i did, about a few months back.

Inate, probably that was the reason why i put it up. as a reminder. but i didn't expect such reminders to bring back the emotions and memory, and the option to escape.

Probably i did move on, but with the post as the foundation. reading it back reminds me how angry, sad and frustrated i am at the same time. i dunno.

am regreting my decision to revise my old postings..

ciao

-edit(5.17pm)- continued reading previous posts a little more. realised that a lot of things have changed. how amazing. but some things remain constant, like the dark person in me. also realised that the phoenix had surfaced since 2008...(gosh)

before the worst - the script

2009-09-23T16:28:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain
So explain to me, how it came to this
Take it back to the night we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
You were vodkas and coke, I was Guinness all night

We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on

There was a time, that we'd stay up all night
Best friends talking till the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to loose, but so much to gain
Are hearing me? Cause I don't wanna miss,
Set you a drift on memory bliss
It was Grafton Street on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you where mine for life

Is try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we mend
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Lets try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

-just happen to read this from 'the script'-

walk away...again

2009-09-23T11:38:00.002+08:00

once again, i am thrown into a course of confusion. seems like trouble and confusion, have a certain way of finding me, when i least need it.

firstly, it seems like my fight-or-flight button have been pushed, and it is on flight mode again. it all started during the g-force movie session, and i was nearing the point of driving away but had to backtrack and stayed the whole night as i held the movie tickets. i guessed nic saved the day by passing me the tix.. but the temptation to just walk away and leave was so strong.

then now, it's hong kong. yes, i've been looking forward to this trip for the longest time already. am even looking at travel books etc to get some pointers before heading to my HK trip.. but i am having the travel jitters again. point in case, room arrangements. realising that certain things are not confirm, it seems like i just want to walk away, and just not go. probably i'll just pay up, and forfeit my trip.. i dunno.

seriously, what is happening to me?? and the confusion is really driving me crazy..

dry tears never flow

2009-09-21T22:33:00.002+08:00

this is gonna be a side diversion from the phoenix saga (that i am writing once in a blue moon, when my muse is here). back to the mundane, moody, emo life of mine (haha.. me/emo...so weird)

to begin with, launch of les mills classes.. i think this will be the last time that i am going for bodystep. really hate those kiasu attitude of the ppl. if only we could stage a boycott, and oust those ppl..
as for balance, turn out wasn't as good as expected. well, who am i to expect anything anyway. just teach, smile and leave.
the saving grace, body jam. it's not that bad. guess my first impression was wrong. lesson learnt. never judge a jam class by sitting by the side during quarterly sessions.

am having trouble getting better sleep these days.. feels like i'm stuck in a rut, and i have no way of getting out. in fact, i think i am gasping for breathes, drowning in my own problems (of the mind).. i may need to see a shrink. in fact, i think catharsis will help to free my tear ducts and just let it pour all out. once and for all.

just found out something that i've been kept in the dark for a while. is the good or is this bad, i am not sure. probably, as they say, ignorance is bliss.

i guess i finally saw what i have been trying to hide from, and i guess i have to acknowledge it. it's not worth my attention, and it's pretty obvious. am a little disappointed with myself for trying to look beyond it.things are just not meant to be.try as i might, but i'll never make it through.

will have to perfect my practise for this year. i have failed the last year, and realising that i haven't diverted much, there is still some saving grace. after all, i have another 3 more months to go before the end of the year. come next year, must bring it to another level, where no mistakes are even permitted.

enough for the moment while i go wallow in my own sorrow..

ciao

phoenix: magic

2009-09-18T15:54:00.002+08:00

Making his way to the holy see, the tabernacle of holies was already prepared to receive the phoenix. Lady Hope, alongside Lady Faith and Joy was standing at the high altar, blessing a small golden bowl there. The four wise man of the four winds were also there, flanking the sides of the blessed ladies. in the tabernacle of holies, the atmosphere was joyful, almost triumphant.

As he made his way to the high altar, he could see other blessed beings lined the side to welcome him. the emerald dragon lord was there, accompanied by the turqoise prince and the agate princess. on his left, Lady Pleiades stood in all her majesty, with the lovely robe of 7 stars. upon locking eyes with phoenix, Lady Pleiades cocked her head slightly, giving a gentle sign of approval to the new body housing the glimmering heart.

'Come forth o' mighty bird, lord of the skies, hero of the lands', summoned Lady Faith, in her majestic yet melodious voice. In the instant, the tabernacle fell silent, and all eyes were on the shimmery plum of the phoenix as he made his way across the hall. 'Phoenix Red of the western land, we've been waiting much too long for this occassion. Ever since your tremendous battle, your victory and passing, and your rebirth, we've been keeping a close eye on you. We were waiting, anxious for your return, to lead again, and restore the harmony of the three worlds'. Wise man of the North, dressed in his resplendant black silk with tortoise motive, then said 'O lord of the birds, your plum and majestic crown surely look magnificent on you. However, to prepare you to further lead the world in harmony, and to battle the never ending forces of evil, we need you to drink the ambrosia of the gods'

'Drink it up, and mighty courage, adamantine will and beastly valour will be with you always, guiding you through your many future endeavours', quipped Lady Hope.

Lady Faith then held the golden bowl up, as the crowd closed their eyes and placed their plams together. Very slowly, a small hum like sound was heard, and reverberated in the hall. Soon, the hum turned into a melodious chant, in the language of the ancients, filled the tabernacle, and the golden bowl started to radiate.

Phoenix know slowly stepped forward, and was guided by a young nymph, tooked the bowl from Lady Faith. Feeling the essence of the bowl, the phoenix looked into it and saw the golden liquid swirling around, receiving the final blessing before consume. 'Now, drink up, King of birds', said Lady Joy.

And the phoenix drank the golden liquid, first tasting the sweetness and experiencing the fragrance of the drink, filling his senses. As the liquid slowly made way into the inner body of the phoenix, his glow became increasingly radiant, glowing brighter than the flame of a thousand torches.

When the liquid touched the shining heart of the phoenix, it created a reaction so heavenly, that it was really magic. the heart shone it fullest might, and the liquid slowly encased it. The heart also felt the courage of ahundred lions, the strength of 10 Atlas, and the valour of no rival.

As the phoenix was experiencing his changes,the nymphs of eridanus came to dance and sang to the glory of the mighty bird. The hall was again filled with air of celebration as the crowd slowly drank from their cups, an ambrosia not unlike the phoenix, but only of a lesser strength. As they celebrated, little did they know that there sat, in a small dark corner of the tabernacle, an ancient which did not share their emotions. Lord Maleficient, dark and sorrow in his looks, and gaunt in his appearance, was filled with malice and envy when the king of birds was celebrated.

[tbc]

happy

2009-09-17T16:40:00.003+08:00

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You cant have everything

Dont you take chances
You might feel the pain
Dont you love in vain
cause love wont set you free

I cant stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Dont care about all the pain in front of me
I just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy, yeah

- the above was taken from the song happy, by leona lewis-
do read, and just enjoy the lyrics.

phoenix: rising

2009-09-11T15:04:00.002+08:00

as the great phoenix touches ground, it heaved a heavy sigh, and collapsed to the ground. after the long tumultous battle, he'd won..but not for long. his tail has lost its shine.. and the glowing heart is slowly fading away. barely crawling for another two more steps, he'd finally given up..

within moments, the phoenix was reduced to ashes. gloom was in the air, as the phoenix was no longer there..the world has lost its shining star. the great victor is now dead. but deep within the pile of ashes, there lay a small glimmer of hope. the shining heart was still there, gathering itself. small streams of hot, glowing, blood encases the heart, growing larger and larger by the minute..

hours had passed, and now, the heart of the phoenix was encapsulated entirely. small pulses of light could be seen, but never matching its full glory. however, only time will tell if the heart could see another valiant bearer. deep within the case, the heart sees none, feels none, taste none and experiences nothing. but then, small swirls of form could be seen. barely visible, but certainly there...giving back life to the glorious king of birds, protector of earth.

gradually, nurtured by the elements, the phoenix redeveloped in its case. neither rain nor sunshine poses any threat to the egg. people have been waiting, praying, and anticipating the rebirth of the fallen. they believe, soon, the glorious phoenix will soar the skies again...

and true to the people's believe, soon wasn't too far. 3 years have passed, and now, the eggs were showing signs of cracks. the phoenix was ready. receiving the last amount of nurturing energy from gaia, the phoenix slowly cocked its head towards the shell, and before long, found the very crack that will open himself to the brand new world, again.

alas, upon sunset of that fateful day, the egg finally cracked open, and the phoenix was reborn!! feeling the soft wind on it's cheek, the phoenix let out it's first cry. so beautiful was his voice, so majestic, so powerful.. and yes, so full of grace and hope. like pandora's box, the birth of the phoenix resonated across the people. no more crying, no more anxious waiting, no more constant sorry, as the phoenix was back on earth again...

hope, love and joy filled the air, as the phoenix straighten its crown and looked upon the people. regaining his steps, the phoenix then spread open its wings, crimson and fiery, illuminating the distance.. and upon the scarlet body of the mighty king, the glowing heart rests proudly. hidden by the soft plum, yet shining from within, the glowing heart has once again created the perfect bearer, greater, stronger and wiser in time..

before long, the ancient call from the holy see could be heard. With great force, the phoenix took to the air. soaring high, the phoenix appeared like a great ball of fire, but gentle enough to not even scorch the skin of the people.. turning its gaze back at the people, the phoenix let out another cry before heading off to the holy see.. to the land of the ancients.

[tbc]

in case u are reading this, don't bother analysing. just enjoy. or just forget about it!!

relapse

2009-09-06T22:55:00.002+08:00

gosh, it's amazing how a certain event precipitated a dream which i have never thought of dreaming.. in fact, it had not seemed that real until last night. i guess everything was hidden and kept in those blog posts, never to resurface, until yesterday.. when i was read like an open book. but still, i had never imagine that to resurface. true, i've seen what i shouldn't have seen last week.. but then, now.. after so long. u are back...oh pls. i need to control and eliminate.

speaking of elimination, isn't amazing that the office is infested with fleas, and now, the admin have to hire the pest eliminators to get rid of them.. hahaa. apparently, those fleas came from the monkeys and stayed in the chiku tree behind. however, a storm over the weekend snapped a portion of the chiku tree, sending the fleas into the office.. therefore, as of friday, all my electronics and everything on the desk was cleared and wrapped for elimination. kinda funny.

speaking of work.. did the craziest thing last night. went for a late night photography session.. and i mean really late, past midnight. was a little disappointed as some of the buildings were not lit.. but i guess i was also a little out of my mind. imagine the possibilities of being robbed, kidnapped, killed etc.. and to up the ante, it is still the yin month, and me being out in the open yin, made me cough like mad.. nearly blew my lungs out.

ok, enough for now

p.s.: i've moved on.. so, ppl. move along too!!

ciao

september musings..

2009-09-01T10:55:00.002+08:00

from the title, it looks as if i'm gonna write or novel or something.. don't be fooled. here are just some random thoughts over the long weekend..

1. if i were to drop down dead this instant, i wonder who would come for my wake and memorial... and who would deliver my eulogy??

2. i want my ashes to be scattered from the hills... but will the law allow for that??

3. was cranky over the weekend.. probably should learn how to control my temper and crankiness...

4. i hear the knock, but i am not letting you in..

5. how am i to lose weight, when after a step challenge class, i went for a japanese feast??

6. overspent: bought pirated dvd and cds for 30 over bucks...

7. how i wish some things were true.. sadly, i can see through the lies better (thx for the compliments, though)

8. i still don't know how to manage the situation. somehow, it cannot be under rug swept.

9. thx for the company,even though i'm a bitch. next time, i'll fly

10. i wanna fly away to somewhere else.. soon!!!!

11. will i ever gain immortality?? or am i subjected to eternal damnation??

12. stop being so generous/kind. it goes unappreciated!!! in fact, generosity and kindness is a double edged sword. it cuts everything, both ways!!

ok, i guess i'm gonna stop here.. 12 weird, morbid, random musings..viva la vie

ciao

troubled..

2009-08-27T14:19:00.002+08:00

the very thing to understand is that i have an underlying phobia of human beings and comfort. i don't get along well with fellow human beings, and there are various issue of paranoia that surfaces whenever i am around people. i think it all surfaced during my childhood years, and gradually, i had developed this sense of isolation and distance with mankind. in fact, i find it a little hard to start conversations, maintain it, or jump into another conversation.

somehow, all this have manisfested into a kind of 'flight' feeling in me. the last i had to do that, was about 3 months ago, during my birthday, when i had the compulsion to run away from everything. then, it happened again, and i did run away to another country.. i came back, thinking that it would be over.. but sadly, the fact remains. i ran again. i was a little disappointed by myself, but i guess the paranoia and fear really rang deep in my heart, and i had no option but to run.

so, in case u are reading this, i'm sorry guys, but i had to excuse myself from last night's get together.. i'll try to go on, but just give me time.

ciao

Up

2009-08-23T16:36:00.003+08:00

To some, it may be another brilliant Pixar animated movie. As for others, it seems like a complete waste of time (where's ur sense of humour?). but for me, i guess the message was just glaring, and just so in my face. I couldn't think of any better metaphor other than that used by Pixar. i guess a floating house, a stubborn dream, a lifetime passion, and the many sins of man will come to rest someday. man can only dream that much, but reality bites, and sometimes, the most unexpected little thing will manage to bring us back to our reality, and cherish those moments lost when we were busy building castles in the air. I guess it resonates that man can only dream that much, and ideally, a dream shall stay a dream. we may be near to achieving it, but as mere mortals, who are we to challenge the powers of Morpheus?? But there was another point on relationship, in which i guess is lost in the present world. the image of trust, loyalty and loving towards the end is marred by celebrity marriages and divorces, changing the very meaning of 'till death do us part'. i guess, in some complex part of my subconscious, this is also the very thing that prevents me from engaging in human emotions.

well, enough of analysing up. am gearing up for a full day ahead, for the next few days. i guess i would be so taxed upon that i fear that i may not be able to carry on my energy towards the end of the week. i guess somehow, there's another fear when i engage in such long, taxing weeks.. somehow, it will end with more trouble, and the devil will just show up uninvited. i guess the experience from the last time gave me a little phobia on this..

partly related, i don't really know how to proceed from this juncture. it seems like i am wearing a mask, and entertaining, but i still have my reservations. i am not sure if i am ready to repeat a previous mistake, and allow it to happen. however, i do not know how to isolate, either party.. i need some signs and some help.

am also finding the strength to weather the future, and the storm. again, somewhere around this time last year, i was lost, and shattered.. however, i hope it doesn't occur this time. i don't wanna go through another turmoil, and i need to channel my energy for the better good.

ciao

back to reality

2009-08-21T09:12:00.002+08:00

after spending 3 weeks in a dream, leading a beautiful life, it's back to reality for me. in fact, it's more than that. the moment i got back, i launched myself into a work and workout overdrive. forget jet-lag and insomnia. i had to face them all, and yet clock in to work at 8 on monday (with about 4 hours of sleep the night before).

and work hasn't been kind to me. being the project manager with an event due next week, there's just so many things to arrange and manage. visas, invitations, presentations etc.. couple that with other meetings, other responsibilities, and heavy office politics which i really don't enjoy being caught in. but somehow, i can feel my neck on the chopping block, and it is not gonna be easy for me to thread on these still waters with hungry crocodiles in it.

being a glutton during my holiday had its consequences. hence i wasted no time and hit the gym on monday evening, right after work. roughed out 3 classes (not bad after 3 weeks of slothing around). then, on tuesday, decided to reduce my food intake, roughed out another 2 classes, but really suffered for this. my thighs kinda stiffened towards the end of bodystep, and the cramp was so bad that i couldn't even lift my leg to go over the board. however, i didn't really bother, and tried to complete everything (even with sore legs).. torture, but i guess i deserve it..

anyway, diet restrictions are also necessary to attain my ideal, and hence, have been going on a semi liquid diet for the past few days. i guess there's great achievement when dinner comprises of a glass of fruit juice, and probably two pieces of dodol.. haha. will continue with this, unless i collapse from sugar deficit..

just a thought, will a deficit diet induce drowsiness and weariness?? i kinda slept while i was driving home last night (and was so sleepy while driving home for a few nights ago), and didn't even realise that there was a motorcycle in front of me, until like 5 seconds later. it was lucky that i didn't crash onto the motorcycle.. come to think of it, i kinda slept for about 100 metres..

managed to catch up some of the latest news, and i think i can sense a storm brewing in paradise. however, it's best for me not to say anything, least being labelled as annoying and inconsiderate again. in fact, i think i've said too much during the two catch up sessions that i sat for, and i kinda regret it. i need the strength to presevere and to remind myself constantly that i shouldn't and mustn't say anything, no matter what the past, present or future may be. in fact, i should master the art of being a mute, and just nod or shake my head.. probably will try this soon. haha.

Out of the blue

2009-08-15T08:08:00.001+08:00

somehow, i just saw something that i don't think i wanna see.. really weird. i've only be gone for 3 weeks.. is that really what i expect when i return? should i say anything? hmm. probably not. just keep myself shut.

another random thought. after seeing the flurry of emails, should i, again, say something. probably, i'll just maintain my silence, and watch it pass. probably won't even want to be in the know.

leaving in 21 hours.. am feeling a little sad

ciao

Both sides now..

2009-08-10T06:34:00.003+08:00

just spent another day in London city. in fact, i managed to spend about 6 hours in the zoo.. guess u can never take the zoologist/animal lover out of me, no matter where i go.. and thus, i have completed both my priority 'must-see'. will probably drop by st paul and the national art gallery in my last trip down, before i leave and head back to reality.

after spending 2 weeks here, time to do some evaluation again...have to look at the other side of the coin now, and make some pretty big decisions. should i or should i not.. i am not certain. of course, recent changes have given me a boost and some extra leverage.. but, is it enough to cover the past, and change it? gimme strength, and i shall soldier on.

anyway, am confused!!

am i finally losing it?

cheers

thunder..

2009-08-09T06:41:00.002+08:00

no, there are no thunder here. in fact, the British summer have been more than fine.
just that, i suddenly realised that someone else is trying to steal my 'thunder' on FB. i'm not usually bothered, but you should have done it when u were there.. not now (like a few years later). get a life!!

day outs

2009-08-08T06:57:00.002+08:00

did i mention in my previous post that i managed to catch oliver.. even if i did, so what?? the experience is simply magical. i really wish i could go for another musical. or many many other more musicals.. if only i had someone to support all my love for the arts..(hehe.. not that i am an artist, to begin with)

two weeks have come to an end. another week more before i return, and face the real world. let's hope that i am prepared to face it again. already, there were some disappointments (not gonna mention).. so, let's just hope that i am strong enough to face it again.

just a thought.. am i even ready to open up? is it ok to accept someone back into the ranks?? i dunno. any suggestions??

ciao

Day 10

2009-08-05T05:17:00.002+08:00

Almost a week since i last blogged. so much for being a seasonal blogger.. haha. things just freezes up when i'm on holiday. thankfully, i'm really enjoying myself here. it's a really great experience, and great fun to be away. however, there are still some 'not-too-good' moments that i guess i'll have to endure.

was in brighton over the weekend. ah, brighton, the lovely capital for the alternative lifestyle. here, you can be really out of the norm, and still fit in. anyway, was there during one of the biggest event in town: Brighton Gay Pride Parada/Festival. yes, it was the pride. yes, i was there... and sadly, no, i missed the whole event. reason: rainpour, and i'm with family.. so, they don't really wanna drive me into town, and of course, i just can't say 'see you guys, i'm gonna go partying tonight'.. haha. however, did manage to catch some of the night scene. and when we tried to catch up the next day, the festival was all over.. haih.

after brighton (down south), it was all the way up to the north (ok, ok.. not that far off north), to frinton, clacton and coulchester. the beach in frinton is really really beautiful (and different) due to the 'posh' neighbourhood. i really want to own a house here..(hehe..secretly wishing to win the lotto)!!.. then, it was to clacton, where it was more of a public beach,and yet, so beautifully managed and maintained.. really put the Penang beaches to shame.. hehe. then, it was off to coulchester.. the earliest recorded town in England. established by the Romans, this town dates back to the time of Ceaser, and there are still remnants of the Roman empire in town. really really amazing to be able to step back in time, and feel what the romans felt.. simply amazing.

then, it was off to kew gardens this morning. it was one of my missions to be at kews this trip. i was really looking forward for it, and yet, it was magnificent. mere words cannot describe the beauty and splendour of this place. all you would want to see for a botanic gardens, it is in kews.. amazing. i actually spent about 3 & 1/2 hours there, and only managed to walk about 85% of the gardens. i really wish that they would have an opening for me.. (hehe. again, secret wish to boss so that he'll send me to kews for training)..but i guess, eventually, reality will set in, and i'll be back at my desk come the 17th..

another trip is scheduled tomorrow. tomorrow, i'll be off to kensington, and also to oxford st, doing some shopping. time to lead a little 'high-life', and feel a little loaded for a while.. hehe. probably drop by Harrods for a visit.. and then to Louis Vuitton.. hehe. really wanna be the fashion socialite, but i guess my current position will not be encouraging enough.. hehe.

just a little 'feel-good' moment. was in leicester square earlier this evening, and accidentally walked into the red-carpet premier of 'the ugly truth', with katherine heigl and gerard butler expected to be there. joined in and watched for a little while, soaked up the atmosphere, and felt so good. at least, now i can say that i was once at a film premier and red-carpet.. haha

ok, enough for now.. am trying to conserve some energy before hitting the road again tomorrow. now, am planning to go to london zoo, and then, to catch a musical. probably may want to watch 'priscilla, queen of the desert'.. supposed to be a good, camp musical!! hmm.. no wonder dr dave loved it.. haha

ciao

4th day

2009-07-29T16:54:00.002+08:00

it's the 4th morning away from home. it feels so good, and just so nice to be away from my mundane and boring life. the lovely summer here is just so wonderful, that given, i don't mind spending the rest of my days here.. however, reality beckons, and i know i have to return. but i promise myself, i must try to look for a job here.. like the ecologist attached to the construction of the olympic stadiums in UK.. so amazing.

anyway, i had one of the most magical moment yesterday, when i was praying in the Westminster Abbey. yes, the very grand, very true, very gothic, simply amazing abbey. it was such a surreal feeling, and i managed to follow the 'evensong'. amazing. i don't mind going there again, and just spend my time in tranquility there.

impermanence.. somehow, i can still think about it, after being miles and days away from it. i hope to change, and i hope for something better.. but it's just so glaring, and so in the face.. if only..

anyway, why do ppl like to judge, assume and have wrong impressions of things? it's not like i have done anything..besides, this is my life.. and i owe it to no one but myself. if only they could understand. possibly, this is why, i still stand by my side.

away

2009-07-27T18:51:00.002+08:00

10 days since i last wrote something here.. am now 10800 km away from home. with 7 hours difference, and many degrees up north, am seeking for a change in life. looking for something new, something worthy, and something worthwile to live for..

ciao

friday afternoon musings

2009-07-17T11:36:00.002+08:00

again, i'm stuck in the 'friday' mood. being idle for the past hour or two, i've decided to just rant a little here.. nothing much, just a few musings from the past few days..

to start off, harry potter 6. watched it last night. great. however, as many would agree, it doesn't leave much of an after taste. in fact, ralph finnes wasn't even in the film..strange, isn't it? but whatever it may be, i just can't wait for the next one. we're all in the HP limbo now. an after thought: bellatrix is really 'cool'. her maniacal appearance and all.. wow.

have been quite moody for the past couple of days, and couldn't really understand why. probably it's the change of phases, and i think i needed more time to adapt and survive.

found myself being a little dictatorial during one of the meetings. thankfully, i managed to stop myself and went to the loo. then only i realised, some of my childhood idols include hitler and eva peron. in fact, eva was a huge influence, making me realise that style and fashion must not be compromised.. hmm..

i think i finally saw something that wasn't intended to be seen, felt something and realised something. again, curtain call, and i shall leave the scene. i've played my part well enough, and my lines have ended.

found myself wondering a few things:
1. was seated on the couch last tues in gym, and wondered.. what the heck is everybody doing, coming to the gym, working out and all.. there were about 19 ppl on the floor, and 15 in the studio.. and then i asked myself. what am i doing there??

2. again wondering what makes a human. who dictates that two eyes, one nose, and a mouth is normal.. and what exactly are humans?? walking, living creatures?? what makes us more supreme than the other animals? is it our thoughts? what about animals' thoughts??

3. why am i born a human, and at this place and time? why am i born who i am today. had the previous generation made other choices, what would i be? will i be the same? or something different. and ultimately, why was i born as me??

4. why am i brown??

5. what defines work? sitting in the office?? i'm starting to lose passion and interest, so, what should i do??

i guess things are really random in my head. i just can't help it, but everything is undergoing a major overhaul. it felt as if i've just done a 'show-hand' in a poker game, when i'm holding a losing hand. now that times, up, i have to see to my defeat. i've lost all.. and soon, my sanity and humanity.

reflections july 09

2009-07-13T14:37:00.002+08:00

i seriously do not know how many reflections post have i written, but i guess this is slightly different from the rest..
somehow, it doesn't really rain in Penang. it pours!! and when it starts, the end never seems to be in sight. in fact, it started to pour since friday night, lasted throughout saturday and sunday, and finally subsided this morning. it kinda reflected my mood for those days too.. although i wasn't 'pouring', but everything seemed so bleak since friday evening, went like hell on sat and sun, and finally got better this morning. i wonder, is it heaven's way of expressing sympathy?? i dunno..

ciao

ghosts...

2009-07-10T08:43:00.002+08:00

i think the socio-empath is back. gosh, i hate this feeling when i have to feel what others are feeling. feeling their hurt and their pain, their joy and sorrow..it really drives me crazy.

i think when i first decided to use this title, curiosity would definitely peak. everyone wants to find out about ghosts, know one, hear about one etc. but this post will be touching on two different types of ghosts, figuratively and literally. actually, this came about after a conversation i had with some friends last night. it had got me thinking for quite a while, and i guess there's no better way to channel my thoughts than to say it all here.

first, the literal one. yes, some say it is a fragment of our imagination. some dismisses it completely, and yet, some insist that they truly exists. for me, i take the last stand. the most probable reason was because i grew up in a chinese household with strong values. but over the years, i happened to be blessed with greater senses to know my surroundings. i remembered my first encounter vividly, and it happened when i was 12. 12 years have passes since then, and i have seen quite a few again.. but still, sometimes i wonder if it's only a fragment of my imagination. if it was, then could it explain the girl that walked off the balcony? or the man that ran down the stairs and behind me?? what about grandpa, who decided to 'revisit' us??

then the figurative ones. these are the 'ghosts' that used to haunt me. they surrounded me, and hung on for a greater part of my life. i thought i managed to get rid of them. two years ago, i thought they were gone. i found a new me.. but somehow, after last night, i had a chance to review myself.. and realised that they were back. i kinda had a hunch, early this year, but things went worse in april. i allowed them to fester, and now, they're here to stay..

then, there is the other 'ghost' that loves to knock on my door, pushing its way into my life. year after year, it seems to enjoy doing that. i thought i have shut the door so tight, so strong, and yet, it's knocking and pushing is starting to melt my defences. again, i may be the one imagining the knocking, for should i open this door and realise that there is no 'ghost', misery will come flooding in. it took me quite a while to close it the last time, but i am not sure how long it will take this time, should the door be damaged..

i'm starting to lose my flame, my desire, the passions and the feeling. it felt as if there is this huge boulder upon my shoulder, and there is nothing that i can do to remove it. i think it's probably time to plan my retreat, my hideout, my isolation.. i think it's time to go.

ciao

every man for himself..

2009-07-08T11:57:00.002+08:00

clearly, the tides have changed.. i am no longer gonna be the proactive person, i am no longer gonna be kind, obliging and hardworking. i guess my attitude towards work have also changed dramatically, and now, i will only do what i am told, and at my own whims and fancy. i am not even gonna be involved to touch anything else.. haha.

somehow the tables have changed also, in my thinking. in a way, it's so funny to read what alan has to say in my previous blog, cos normally, i'll be the one advising such. i guess, it's time for me to stay away from all these, and indulge myself in my personal passion instead. no more pleasing this and entertaining that..

lastly, i don't see beauty/sexiness in megan fox. what is the big deal with that?? i'd prefer marcia cross over megan fox any time..

how come?

2009-07-07T16:43:00.003+08:00

sometimes, do you find yourself wondering how come certain things happen, and how come certain things are not happening? i do find myself wondering about that too. i also wonder, how come ppl tend to perceive things in an askewed way. is it easier to think that way, then to rest in innocence??

and then, it also makes you wonder why. why is it easier this way than that way.. why did it happen/not happen, and what is the cause. if the cause was tackled and managed, will it happen? and why are there so many other different things that wants/tend to relate to the main event?? couldn't it be just a clean clear thing?

i wonder.

moving on, finally got my hands on another superb album by celine. not that it's new, but i dare say, it was one of her best english albums. 'a new day has come' was certainly the best comeback for an artiste. and the songs are just so great. so inspirational.. so celine. thanks to alan for passing the digital copy to me..

anyway, i realised that there were many loopholes in the previous blog, as the weekend seemed kinda fun (a little different from my routine). finally, traced my roots back to the tao, and went to did something chinese puritans would do.. i went to hit the 'little man'. haha. it was funny, but i think the psychological impact that came with it was quite good, as it felt as if some burden have been lifted from my shoulder. then, i went to asked the kuan yin oracle with the oracle sticks. it was a nerve-wrecking experience, as i had no idea when the stick would come out, if my shaking method was right or wrong, or what would the stick say.. but at last, all was good.. one thing i've learnt, the chinese may not be freudians or pavlovians, but they sure had a great way to consult themselves, and empower their psyche throught the faith. it just hurts to see more and more urban chinese are abandoning their roots and optioning for another belief.. oh, what will the world turn into, but a mess of chaos. what we came from, eventually, we are returning to it.

i miss rover (didn't go to the shelter as i went to pray). have to get over it, as i'll be away for longer period of time soon.

trust your heart.

ciao

iconic..

2009-07-07T11:15:00.000+08:00

Thanks to Su Sian, now i have this.. hehe

my new baby..

2009-07-06T14:39:00.002+08:00

as of 3pm yesterday, i became the proud owner of a Nikon D5000.. am so happy and pleased with myself that i can't stop admiring and playing with the camera. now that i have my D-SLR, i can shoot whatever wherever i want.. hehe. no holds, no bars, no comments!! and to hell to those who'd condemn my passion, my baby or my shooting spree. i owe you nothing!!

just to clear the air from a previous post, the something that i am missing, is not a person. it is an activity in which i should be doing, but i am not doing it because i have made a resolve previously. besides, it's a little too late, and it's not worth my doing anymore.

on a lighter note, went to nibong tebal to see fireflies last sat. it was nice, but actually not that impressive and amazing which i have imagined. in fact, the night wasn't that good cos we were late, hurried down our dinner, and only managed to see that 'many' fireflies. then, our little 'ghost hunt' wasn't that fruitful as we managed to see nothing, experienced nothing, and felt nothing. just realised that there's another haunted house near the area, called 99 doors. probably some other time i should go there.

enough for the moment, as i am caught in gossips.. hehe

Ripped pig

2009-07-03T16:45:00.001+08:00

just a short one:
just saw an image of a muscular pig on FB, promoting amazing abs workout technique. so cute (oh, the pig has rippling muscles too).
message: if a pig could do it, why couldn't you

post 210 and rover..

2009-07-03T11:41:00.002+08:00

another series of random ramblings:

1. i miss rover.. am going to see him tomorrow. can't wait to play with him. he's just so adorable.

2. this is post 210 already.. still way far behind from those who've managed post 1+++.. don't worry, am on my way. just that sometimes, i'm dry on writing juice.

3. writing my master's proposal is not easy, complicated by the lack of information and studies conducted previously.

4. anticipating balance and step tonight.. amazing how i can still keep my hair in place after doing jam and combat yesterday... hehe

5. am waiting for lunch with my diaper buddy.. haven't seen her in 2 months!! argh!!

6. need to buy prezzie for her.. birthday towards the end of the month!!

7. fireflies tomorrow.. so excited. let's just hope that i won't get lost while driving to nibong tebal. anyway, i believe the drive will be exciting, cos of the company i have with me.. so juicy and scandalous (words of alan)

8. there is a sense of missing something.. i kinda know what it is, but i am not taking action. it is necessary, it is worthy? and what if i'm wrong again. besides, i've made my stand since a long long time ago.

9. am a little pissed with sam that he didn't ask me to replace saturday's class. come on!! grow some balls!!

10. need to buy external hard drive. rooney knocked some sense in buying something smaller as i do not need 1T of storage space. hehe. thanks dude, and thanks for combat..

ok, enough for now.. again, am taking things slow.
it's friday (day of freya)

ciao

of floating mats and rover

2009-07-02T14:20:00.002+08:00

this is gonna be totally random, as i am not gonna pay heed to anything:

1. floating mats sighted in mosque. hmm.. illusion or truth?? anyway, does it really take a floating mat to convince ppl to go pray??

2. i think i'm growing fond of rover.. he's the sweet little puppy in the pound..sadly,i cannot take him home.

3. bauhinia kockianna. can't help but to notice them everywhere, especially in full bloom. am liking it.

4. hairstyling.. gosh, how come i can never blow my hair the way my hairdresser do?? btw, i'm spotting a fringe. haha. first in ages.

5. durians.. omg, i think i'm addicted. have been having them for the past 3 weekends. let's just hope that i don't get OD-ed and end up in bed.

6. don't like the new bodybalance release 45. especially the tai chi.

7. why do ppl look for love, and get themselves into trouble??

8. fireflies excursion this saturday.. hehe. another opportunity to take plenty of pictures.

9. someone is calling me little boss and chief.. argh!!!

10. crazy weather, crazy traffic, crazy people, crazy work.. any idea how am i to keep sane??

ok, that's 10 random thoughts in my head for now..

ciao

banana pie from McD.. am missing it!!

Shit happens...

2009-06-29T11:31:00.002+08:00

And so, you come to work, all jolly. spend half the morning joking about, especially on FB, even to the point of nonsensical.. and suddenly, ur head drops a bomb on you.

it seems like i'm a magnet for trouble these days. everywhere i go, everything i do, i realised that it seems wrong. does this mark the end?? how do i proceed, and where, and what?? i seriously don't know. in fact, i'm still in a muddle of confusion..

first, i tried my best to become a role model, an instructor. but when the letter came, it nearly destroyed everything that i believed in. everything that i have worked for, strived and learn, and projected, nearly came crashing in. i was on the verge of giving up, when someone picked my up and guided me back on my path..however, i did tell myself to concentrate more on my work..

and now, shit happens. when i thought i could shift all my focus on work.. jealousy and contempt boils from within. unmarked missiles were fired, and the worst case, i couldn't even stand up to defend myself. people can tell me that they understand the truth, and realise that i am not in the wrong.. but what is the point of consolation when there is no act of defending?? i don't understand. why would people fear the brazen?? the bold and the red-blooded?? and from what i heard, it was even a tit for tat..

so, i guess i've seen the solution. no, i wouldn't quit as i still have loads to go. but i think i wouldn't pay that much attention to anything that is going on around me. one thing i've learned: kindness and generosity does not beckon the same in return. in this dog-eat-dog world, i guess we all have to do everything to survive.

i think this may also indicate another phase of change, and different thoughts in me now. i feel it's time to really pay full heed into my education now.. gosh.

still writhing in the dumps.. am going back after lunch to cool off, and probably seek some solutions.

ciao

End of the working week

2009-06-26T16:20:00.002+08:00

It's 4.21 on Friday. work is like hell. but thankfully, most of it is done. will try to start working on my master's proposal somewhere during the weekend. am now lost onto what to do, and what are the expectations. would it be hard for me to achieve what i have in mind??

i guess, one person can only play that many roles at one go. there is no way for the person to split himself into so many different roles, and assume so many responsibilities at the same time. at the facade, it may seem like a breeze, but deep down, it's really tiring and dark.

there will come a time, when a person has to give up certain things to acheive others. is it my time yet? am i ready to give it up? in fact, is it truly for the greater good? there are times when a person's instinct and gut feeling will not tell the truth.. so, i wonder.

if there's anything,it feels as if my aura/chi/energy is slowly waning. my mood and feelings can only last this long, possibly until the weekend. then, i'm not sure if i can make it through monday. heck, especially through monday. i need the strength to move through the day...

anyway, there are many things that i'm still wondering... and wondering. will i ever know and understand? i guess only time will tell.

anyway, before i end, just a tribute to two stars who passed away, namely michael jackson and farrah fawcett. the very act of typing michael jackson on my keyboard seemed so weird, as i have never really associated myself with him. but then, there was a time back in my schooldays when i would listen to his album, and heck, even did a dance performance to 'do you remember the time'.

in his words, if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the change. RIP.

as for me, ciao

work...

2009-06-24T16:24:00.002+08:00

don't really feel like blogging now, cos i'm tied down with so many things to do.
sometimes, i just feel like not doing anything, stand up, and walk away. but i guess i cannot afford the luxury to do that. so, i guess i'll just have to grit my teeth and bear with it.

i need strength, i need an inspiration, and i need a miracle..

ciao

Ave Maria

2009-06-15T17:11:00.004+08:00

It's been two tumultus week since i last posting anything on the site. There came a point when i wanted to leave it as it is, as a reminder to myself on the percieved opinion of me.. however, i think it's time to move on, and not let another person affect me anymore.

I guess i was lost in so many ways when the letter came. But i guess i was lucky that i had my angels to guide me through the darkness. they thought me how it was to be a better person, someone with more sense, the the knowledge that it is not worth throwing away everything that i have earned for myself for some folly. but then again, the letter also made me think.. if i'd been described to such an evil person, perhaps i should live up to the reputation.. hahaha

I found a new meaning to life to, when i actually took the time off to volunteer at the shelter. there, i met a new set of beings, of life, which treasures friends and company, and will love back at no cost. i guess those dogs that i have played with thought me a very beautiful lesson. and they are really beautiful in their own.. i wonder if i can ever face the fact that some of these lovely creatures will be put to sleep because of anthropogenic actions on them..

I gave myseld another chance, and caught 17again.. and boy, that movie has the greatest faux pas ever!! come on, hippogriffs were not in existence in 1989!! (same goes to harry potter)!! btw, those spock ears are really funny (i guess it's a tribute of sorts to the recent star trek movie). a certain person commented that it would give anything to be with zac efron.. seriously? i guess he's too busy making movies, being famous and a himbo that he'll barely have time to realise what love really is (btw, he's got v.hudgens)..anyway, i'll only give the movie rating 4/10. didn't really enjoy it.

Am now drowning myself with work, and may even try to apply to do my internship with ensearch..hopefully, i'll be selected, and off i go, two weeks to some other country, to learn about environment and what's not. it beats being in this place, going along with my routine.

also, am in the midst of researching a suitable topic to be submitted as a proposal to further my studies. i guess eventually, i'm more suited in the academy, whereby human contact is limited, and i can really pour myself over all those books, reports etc.

'Sometimes love can come and pass you by
While your busy making plans
Suddenly hit you and then you realize
It's out of your hands, baby you got to understand'

I picked this line up from beyonce's ave maria.. i do wonder..

'In your heart, can't you feel the glory?'

Another line telling me to stay strong.
lastly, from my celine:
'what do say to taking chances?'

i guess i should start to take my chances, rather than lying low and fade away. i shall pull myself from the shadow pits, and make myself stronger and brighter. I'll never know if there's hell beneath or a hand to hold, but at least i can say that i've tried.

ciao
'Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee'

Confunded

2009-06-03T09:00:00.002+08:00

A new month, and something new crops up. Two days I am away working my ass off, and on the next morning, when i'm back to the office, i get the best surprise. Probably it's right. I've been living far too long in my la la land, and it's time to leave.
Here's just something that i just cannot bear with:

THIS IS A SERIOUS MESSAGE...

BEN, I have already told you several times to remove those photos I have said looked very obscene. I believe the group have gave u several reminders to remove them.

The very first place, I have told the WHOLE GROUP not to put any of those obscene photos. You simply do not put any considerations to other people's feelings and privacy and just put in photos that can cause damage to my reputation!....I am very sure the whole group listened very clearly that I MEANT IT VERY SERIOUS.

You said you have "filtered" one round and out of your "own" discretion put up all the photos without my permission. Did you know in the eyes of law, you have invaded my privacy and my will of rights (which i checked through with my lawyer friends)? I CAN actually SUE you for putting those obscene photos(which in my eyes has cause damaged to my reputation and caused me in duress). Did you know I have many friends in my facebook which will think those poses are quite obscene in their eyes?....I DO HAVE A REPUTATION....The reason I pose for you guys is because i wanted to play sporting but I DID SPECIFICALLY SAID NO POSTING OF THESE PHOTOS....

I have offered my friendship to you in goodwill despite the ups and downs we had in the past (which I do not even confront you due to the fact of keeping the group "intact"...I HAVE in many occasions just let things go...). I am very SURE in "general" you have offended people which you may not even know or care but doesnt mean people KEEP QUIET it means things are ok... sometimes the MORE you offend people, the more people dont like you. Just that sometimes confrontation can hurt feelings and we try to avoid that kind of confrontations. Sometimes you just think and do your way without thinking of other people's feelings- absolutely no considerations at all!

BUT what you have done (especially it has to be on my 30th Birthday) is very much unforgivable.

Ben, I would suggest you respect other people's privacy and also take in negative comments as in many perspectives. We are not perfect (as you always claimed that)....but seems like you never like taking any negative comments and you always ASSUME IT IS OK to DO IT YOUR OWN WAY...but HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF WHAT OTHERS THOUGHT? Can you be less selfish and be MORE THOUGHTFUL before you say or even do something? Just for instance like in class(speaking in general), you should NOT be shaking your head when your partner does it wrong....you should just follow the flow of the instructor...DO YOU EVER SEE US SHAKING OUR HEADS WHEN YOU MADE MISTAKES ON STAGE?....We NEVER DID that before? IT IS ALL ABOUT RESPECTING EACH OTHER....

Another thing, did all these posting up of those obscene photos your way of taking up revenge (which I HAVE NEVER SAID OR DONE anything to you) cause it really seems like it. Even how people commented on your coaching skills negatively etc...I never said a word further to comment and always tell people you have your own uniqueness and style of teaching which I agree so. Did you know how I have protected you as far as Body Balance is concerned? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

I really hope you can just grow up and show more sensitivity in treating people and if you want people to treat good as well, I suggest you make some changes as well....or else it is very hard for you to survive in this social world.

The reason I am forwarding this email to our group because i think the rest has the rights to know how I feel and how depressed I am in this situation and saves me all the trouble to explain to the group later. Besides, we are all family and I think family ought to know what is happening.

I suggest you "KINDLY" REMOVE THE WHOLE PHOTO ALBUM and DELETE EVERY PHOTOS IN YOUR CAMERA. I SERIOUSLY "MEAN" IT AND I AM NOT JOKING. AND FOR ONCEEEEEEEE...PLEASE TAKE PEOPLE MORE SERIOUSLY...when people said it is something serious....PLEASE TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!!! I REALLY HATE to take any unnecessary law suits on this matter....DELETE IT IMMEDIATELY AND I MEAN IT... IF YOU EXPECT PEOPLE TO RESPECT YOU; FIRST LEARN HOW TO RESPECT OTHERS....This world is very fair. PLEASE WAKE UP!

MANY "THANKS" ...SO MUCH FOR A "NICE" BIRTHDAY SPECIAL GIFT!....

I guess i'm finally awaken, and i can see through it all. Probably what I had in mind for the past few months was right. I do not fit in into my circle of friends anymore. Somehow, i think i kinda lost touch, and probably my decision to walk earlier should have been better.

And do you wonder now if i needed a wall to protect myself???

enough said. my headache and sniffles is preventing me from thinking any further, and going anymore.

ciao

Hibernation

2009-05-28T09:08:00.002+08:00

Once again, u'll find me apologising for not being able to blog so often. it's not like i am not connected to the internet, it's just that i hardly have the time, and the energy to blog anymore.

the past few weeks have been haywire for me. it's so hectic, and it has yet to come to an end. however, after next week, i'll be able to breath a hugh sigh of relief..and probably should take a break too..

oh, just wanna share that i'm bloggin from my new desktop in the office.. just love it. i can see the jealousy in my colleagues' faces, but heck, i deserve it. however, have yet to load all the accessories in.. hehe. besides, it's vista, so i may take a while to accomodate to the changes.

managed to catch a few movies since the last post, including I Love You, Man; Wolverine; and Angels and Demons. suprisingly, they are all very good. i love Wolverine because of Remy LeBeau (aka Gambit). Angels and Demons, wow..amazing replica of the vatican city, and the rites (oo.. ewan mcgregor is really hot there). and surprisingly, I Love You, Man is not a bad watch too. a very new genre/theme of bromance.. and it shows a different aspect of man..hmm

anyway, got to get back to work
ciao
ben